boys make me crazy

so i have been a ball of anxiety lately.

About a week and a half ago a friend of mine gave me some good advice to help me get out of my dry spell with men.

I slept with this dude I worked with (my last day on the job was when it happened). He's not cute and I wasn't into him at all, but I hadn't had any human physical contact in so long and I was starting to go crazy. We hung out and then had sex and it was great because the whole time he was telling me about how he had wanted me for so long, blah blah blah. That raised my confidence sooo much and for the week after that I was having the best luck with men.

I even hooked up with this coffee shop dude I've been into for a long time. I was so excited and the hookup was glorious. We had great physical chemistry, and then in the morning he was begging me to stay longer and not to leave. I was on cloud nine. I thought that for sure a guy liked me.

I left his apartment and went to a graduation party. I saw him at the coffee shop later and he asked if I was still going to this other party and I told him I was and he said he would see me there after work. I was so excited.

He came and we had a good time together but when I left the party he left with me and hugged me, but went home without kissing me or making plans to see me again or anything. This sent me into a downward spiral, with the not eating, and the binge/purge and the cutting and everything. It was miserable.

I hate hate hate this part. The part where everything is exciting but everything is uncertain. It drives me bonkers. I have been a ball of complete anxiety. When I was into him but we hadn't hooked up, it was just fun. I would spend an hour getting ready just to walk to the coffee shop to buy coffee, in hopes that he'd be there, and I'd be ecstatic if he so much as smiled at me. Now, every day that goes by without something happening makes me sure that he hates me and that I am repulsive and that no one will ever love me.

He sent me a facebook message saying he wants to hang out again. That was Tuesday. Weds, I decided to make dinner for all my friends and sent him a text inviting him. He just said that he couldn't come because he was working. I know that's a reasonable excuse, but I feel like that if he liked me he would have called me or texted me about an actual time to hang out by now. I am such a fucking wreck. I don't see how my single streak will ever end.

No one will ever want me. I feel so damaged, like I'm a pair of crappy jeans hanging on the "Irregular" rack at a discount store. Someone might grab the jeans and try them on once, but when they see how terribly they're constructed, they toss them on the floor of the dressing room and go look for something better. And the only ones even willing to try are the desperate bargain hunters.

I don't understand how I can be so "popular" and have so many friends and be the girl that everyone wants to be around, but at the same time, be someone that no man would touch willingly. Must loose more weight.