so fat

god I am gross today. before work i had my daily iced coffee with skim and splenda (30 cals). I bought a Lean Cuisine at the supermarket. It was the best one I could find with only 180 cals. It was chicken in herb sauce with potatoes and vegetables. But when I showed up at work they had gotten us Quiznos. I had a tiny little piece of a vegetarian sub, but its fast food so even that tiny piece probably had like 200 calories. Ugh. And then to make matters worse I still ate the Lean Cuisine and some pickles. The pickles aren't a big deal, but it still makes me feel fat. That's a bit over 400 cals today, and I know I'll probably have a beer or two later. God. I am so gross.

Every time I see a fat person on the street I remind myself that I look like that and it's really good thinspiration... but I just want to be not gross.

In good news, I guess, my friend Bridget just told me that I look like I've lost weight. I don't have a scale yet so I don't know how true it is and I still think I look fat, but it's still nice to hear.

There's this guy Dave who rejected me really badly a few months ago after we had been hooking up for months. I am now trying to very artfully get him to want to sleep with me so that I can reject him. I am so not over him.

beeeeer

So you know how I said I was "all in"? I realized the one exception: booze. Booze is the one thing I absolutely can't give up. I think I'm probably a bit of an alcoholic. But if I only eat around 300 cals a day... then a few beers won't make a huge difference, right?

The good news.... on a full stomach it takes about 6 beers to get me drunk. On a mostly empty stomach, I'm drunk after 3. So this way I save money and calories.

I was good last night. There's this guy that sells really delicious empanadas at the bars around Williamsburg for $1 each. I usually get one when he comes around (because I'm a huge gross fatty). Last night I was out and pretty hungry. He came around and I at first had the impulse to buy one... but I buried it and resisted the temptation.

Also, Ian from work exchanged numbers with the woman who cuts his hair. I'm pretty sure that if I wasn't so fat he'd like me. I'm gonna loose so much weight by the time he gets back from Uganda that he'll be really impressed.

when does it start?

I've been doing a really good job at heavily restricting. Tuesday I just had a small bag of pretzels (110 cals) for dinner. Last night I had an iced coffee (skim milk and splenda... total "safe" option) and then a Healthy Choice dinner of chicken parm with broccoli. It also came with some gross dessert, but I threw the whole thing out. With the dessert it was 390 cals, so I'm assuming it was like 330 without it? I was actually really good... I had bought a whole box of Tagalong girl scout cookies for nostalgia. I brought the box to work. I had 1 bite (not even half a cookie!) and then gave the rest away to my co-workers.

Today I had about 10 blackberries (around 62 cals), iced coffee with skim and splenda (30 cals maybe?) and a "Spa Cuisine Classic" from Lean Cuisine that was chicken and vegetables and whole wheat pasta (240 cals). So that makes today's total 332, which is way low and about what I'm shooting for for the forseeable future. I can totally commit to this... small healthy snack around lunch time (fruit or veggies or something), Iced Coffee with Skim and Splenda to hold me over, and then a Lean Cuisine, Weight Watcher's Smart One, or Healthy Choice prepared meal for dinner at work. That's totally doable, right? I can keep it around 400 cals or less a day I think.

I've also been walking a lot more. I've been getting off the subway a stop early so I get an extra few blocks in walking home. I want to get a pedometer.

I just don't know how long it will take before I start visibly loosing weight. I don't have a scale right now so I can't weigh myself. The last time I restricted this heavily (2003) I think it worked pretty fast... I lost about 40 lbs in about 3 months. But, I could be romanticizing that a bit.

I should be concerned that this is happening, but I want it more than anything right now. I want that exciting secrecy I used to have. I want to get really good at coming up with excuses not to eat. I want to look into the eyes of an anorexic girl on the subway and feel that connection that only people with eating disorders feel. I want to be someone in control and miserable. I want to know that even though people will compliment me on losing weight that they have no idea. I want to think about how upset my friends would be if they found out.

I'm all in.

food food food food hate

So this weekend was terrible as far as my issues.

I was in Boulder, Colorado with my entire extended family... and nothing makes me feel like shit as much as spending time with those judgemental, weight obsessed people.

On the first night we all went out to get chinese food, and it was the most stressful experience of my life. Everyone wanted to order large amounts of food for the entire table, and getting twenty people to all agree on food is ridiculously difficult. Somewhere in the middle I litterally had a nervous breakdown. I went into a bathroom stall and just started bawling. Crying secretly in the bathroom is something I haven't done in years. I got myself togehter and went back to the table... but once there the food debate started up again and I couldn't take it... So I started crying and had to walk outside for a cigarette. My mom came with me. She's a lot more understanding than she used to be and told me not to pay attention to my crazy family and to relax. It wasn't bad.

But the food stuff continued to be a problem. Every day I was there was a new food nightmare. Each meal was a huge family buffet. I'm good at restricting when I'm preparing or ordering my own food, but setting a huge table of food in front of me is always asking for a binge. I basically binged every meal and felt disgusting in every way by the end.

I'm back on track now and have eaten very little. I'm determined to be thin. I have enough motivation (ie self hatred) right now that it's not so difficult. Yesterday I went out for breakfast with my dad and had bacon and eggs, but it was a controlled portion, and for some reason breakfast food falls into my "safe food" catergory. I don't feel that guilty after eating eggs. I told my mom I was too stuffed to bring any food on the plane, so all I had was a little 50 cal bag of mini pretzels and club soda on the plane. When we got home it was too late to eat.

Today I went out to lunch with my mother at a diner. I got a wrap but only ate half and ordered a salad on the side instead of french fries. I threw up after I ate it. It was a truly disgusting ED moment. I was in a diner bathroom and one time when I threw up some of the vomit splashed out of the toilet and got onto my skirt. It's kind of nice to feel disgusting in an ED way, rather than a fat way.

Now I'm back in the city and at work, so I'm pretty much in the clear for tonight. I might get a bag of pretzels from the vending machine, but that won't be devastating. It's easy not to eat when noone's planning my meals.

It's good to be home. Hopefully I can start going towards my goal of not being disgusting any more. I'm at that mental place where hunger pains feel good... the feeling of success. When I was first anorexic, I lost over 30 lbs in less than two months. I'm hoping to do something similar. I'm sick of feeling like every person who walks by me is disgusted by me.

If I loose 50 pounds, maybe I'll be deserving of a boy friend.

unhealthy life

the restricting is going okay. I've had a few lapses, but no bad bingeing. I don't know if I'm losing weight because I don't have a scale... but today I put on a pair of jeans that fit well a few weeks ago. Today they were noticeably loose. I still have a long way to go though.

My life is so unhealthy. I eat a bit, but these days I mostly subsist on cigarettes, iced coffee with skim milk and splenda, cocaine, sugar free redbull and the occasional smoothie. That is a recipe for disaster, but it keeps me happy.

It's weird... I feel like the redbull is the worst thing. I never had had a redbull until fairly recently and now it's a cycle I can't seem to break. Redbull is like a drug. It's different than coffee... it makes me happy, not just energetic.

i spent too much money today...

so last night I ended up stress-eating like 300 calories at work so I didn't do as well as I thought. Still, it wasn't that bad for a first day I guess.

Today I got my haircut and it looks really pretty, so that's good inspiration to not mess up a good haircut by getting fatter. I bought some new clothes and then went shopping for some restricting friendly food at the bodega near my apartment.

I got...

Apple Sauce Cups (100 cals per cup)
Sauer Kraut in a can (0 cals per serving)
Mixed Vegetables in a can (40 cals per serving)
Saltine Crackers (60 cals for 5 crackers)
Progresso Chicken and Wild Rice Soup (100 cals per serving)
Campbell's Roasted Beef with Mushroom Soup (120 cals per serving)
Lipton's Instant Chicken Noodle Soup (45 cals per packet)

Tonight for dinner I had a serving of the beef soup and 5 saltines... so right now, as of 7pm, I'm only at 180 cals for the day. I may break down and have some apple sauce during American Idol but I'm going to try not to.


I talked to my mom on the phone today and she wants me to see this fancy nutritionist because she thinks that I gained weight after going off of an anti-psychotic I was on a few years ago. While that might be partially true, I know that the real reason I gained weight was because my anorexia destroyed my metabolism and I never learned to eat right because my food and emotions are too closely linked.

That is just like my mom. She always always always wants there to be an easy fix.... some pill I can take to make me skinny and happy and normal. She can't deal with the fact that maybe I have real problems.

here we go again

Since I am gross and fat I've decided that I need to start restricting again.

I've been purging a lot recently but I'm not really convinced that works.

So today was day 1. I ate nothing all day and then for work I got:

A hotdog (242 cals) because I had been craving one all day, with a roll (79 cals), sauerkraut (20 cals) and a side salad (6 cals) with a little bit of fat free dressing (5 cals).

For a snack later I brought an apple (72 cals) and a banana (105 cals).

If thats all I eat all day I will have a total of 519 calories. Not bad.