blech

I had a too-big-too-unhealthy lunch today.

It was a big macaroni and cheese.

I tried to throw it up, but it's so rough at work.

I had that "I need to get this out of me" feeling but, it's hard to get privacy. I went into the bathroom twice- both times I got a little up, but then someone would walk in and I'd have to leave. It sucks. Arg.

I feel a little better today. I felt terrible terrible terrible last night, to the extent that I wasn't sure if I would make it through the night... but I put on the TV and let myself fall asleep.

I kind of like coming to work. It's low pressure. I know what I'm doing. I know how to do it. It's hard for me to fail at. I don't have to deal with the disappointments of social situations. It's just me and the TV and the computer.

But, I e-mailed my boss today to ask to get my birthday off. She's usually pretty nice about vacation days, so I assumed it would be fine. Sadly, we're already completely understaffed for that day so I'll have to work. I almost broke down crying at that, but I held it together.

I don't know what to do about life.

I am super depressed and hopeless.

I feel like everyone around me constantly makes me miserable.

The idea that I will probably stay in the same place my whole life makes me want to die. That's the curse of being born in New York I guess. Most people leave the area they grew up at least for a few years in college. Am I destined just to float around the New York area forever?

I often think that leaving would be the only way to make some major change in my life, but I don't think I'm brave enough to actually do it.

I seriously can't stand the people around me.

I feel gross and fat. I've been trying to restrict but not doing a very good job of it. I drink too much. I purged today. I hate myself so much, I don't understand why right now the hatred isn't translating into starvation. I wish it was. I am so disgusting and everyone hates me.

I can't sleep. All I can do is lie in my bed and think about how miserable I am and how unlikely it is that anything will ever get any better.

The people that are supposedly my best friends disgust me in every way right now.

I know I've felt this way before... but it feels so utterly deep and sorrowful... It feels like it will never pass.

It always does though, right?

gasp

I have two blogs. I post in one about TV that I actually tell people to read, and then I post in this one. This one is anonymous, and though I don't have a problem with strangers reading it, I would never tell anyone about it. Anyway, I was checking the traffic on both of my blogs today. Usually, this one has zero hits each day, so I don't even pay attention to it. Today, so far? 88 fucking hits. Wow. Who is reading this? How did you find it? I don't mind, I'm just genuinely curious how we ended up together.

Anyway, life? Well, I finally got laid last night, it's been a very very very long dry spell. I hooked up with this dude from my work who I'm not even all that into, but I just kind of needed someone to be attracted to me and willing to touch me. It did make me feel momentarily better, a bit less repulsive... a bit less useless. He's all into me and shit, but I don't want to date him. As much as I complain about being single, I don't really want a boyfriend... I just hate being single because it makes me feel like I'm not wanted by anyone.

As far as food, I'm doing a pretty good job and I might be loosing, I don't know... I need to get a scale. I bought some new clothes last week and bought some "incentive" shorts in a size 10. I never tried them on because I didn't want to feel even fatter than usual. I tried them on yesterday and they were tight, but I was able to put them on and zip them all the way up. I guess slow and steady?

This weekend was not bad. So far, I've been doing an excellent job of restricting during the week and tend to have at least one gross binge over the course of the weekend when I'm with my friends. This weekend I completely avoided binges, even at a restaurant and a bbq.

At the italian restaurant that I went to with my roommates, while they ate pizza, I had an artichoke salad (that I ate less than half of) and this octopus appetizer that I ate about a third of. Not bad at all for a restaurant. At the bbq I had one hotdog. Even that made me feel gross, but I realized that since there was food everywhere and that hotdog was all I ate for the day, it really could have been much worse.

Today something great happened. I went out for breakfast with the dude I slept with and was really bracing myself for a terrible binge. I ordered some eggs and whatnot, and ate less than one third of what was on my plate and I was completely full. It's almost like I've been weaning my body off food. I don't need it as much anymore.

gah

it's been a while since i posted.

i'm in a bit of a crazy time right now. I'm pretty depressed. I feel gross. I have been single for a very long time and most of my friends have boyfriends. It's gotten to the point that I feel like I must be a disgusting and annoying fat person that no one can get close to. People think I'm "cool" and "awesome" and "popular" but no one wants to date me.

right now I have gotten to the point where I am getting dillusional. There's this guy I work with who is not attractive (I would never go for an attractive guy because they would never go for me in a million years) and I don't even really know if he's cool, he's really shy, and I get shy around him so we haven't spoken more than 20 words to eachother. My friend Chrissie says that he looks like a glow worm and he kind of does.

Anyway, yesterday I abused my power at work (why anyone put someone as fucked up as me in a position of power is beyond me) to be able to sit next to him, and though I was shy, I eventually managed to invite him out to my barbeque on Sunday. He was friendly and said he'd like to come, he even lives two blocks away from me.

The only problem is that I don't think he likes me at all... i don't think anyone could... and now I am so crazy that I have convinced myself that I am in love with him. I day dream about how happy I'd be if we had sex, how he would ask me to move back to Seattle with him. I am miserable over some person I don't even know.

Plus, I'm super fat. I still don't have a scale, but I doubt I've been loosing weight, which sucks because I NEVER eat more than 500 calories a day. I even cut the fruit out of my diet... now all I eat is a Lean Cuisine which is under 300 calories. How can I restrict so much and not loose weight?

It must be the beer, but I'm too depressed not to drink.

I don't know.

so today I am wearing my pants that I finally fit into. Now I hate them. I wanted to wear them for so long! I think I will go shopping this weekend and buy a new pair of jeans that I don't fit into, a size 10 I guess.

calorie intake for today:
Iced Coffee Skim Splenda (50 cals)
Banana (86 cals)
Ravioli from Lean Cuisine (240)

That's 376 for the day.

Arg. I am such a fatass. I don't even think I'm actually restricting. When I think about what I eat everyday (fruit and a Lean Cuisine and iced coffee) it seems like a lot. I don't think anyone would tell me I needed to eat more. That sounds as much as a normal person eats! I mean 376 is a low number I guess, but its actually a lot of food.

I'm gross. I stuffed my face today. I just read that bananas are mostly carbs, plus I had the ravioli. Shit, I'm gonna go grab some sugar free gum to stop me from shoving anything else in my fat mouth.

Disgusting.

today

today was okay. i hate my job.

I got to work and had my usual iced coffee/skim/splenda (did I decide on 50? I never remember) and then ate a little under a cup of blueberries (probably around 70 cals) and some actually really delicious ravioli from Lean Cuisine (240 I think? I don't remember). About 360 I guess for the day. There were some gourmet cupcakes at work. Now, I'm lucky because I generally don't like sweets, but gourmet cupcakes are one thing that does tempt me. I resisted though and just stared at them for a while. I've been getting good at eating with my eyes. When I get the urge to get something from the vending machine, I just go and stare at it. It makes me realize that the walk over to the vending machine is much more enjoyable than the actual eating of anything I might buy.

My friend Patty told me today that I was "looking quite svelt". I still don't know how much I weigh, so I'm not sure if I'm losing, but I hope I am. My jeans that I have been trying to fit into finally fit today. They're still tight, but I can wear them comfortably. I should get a pair a size smaller now as an incentive.

I want to buy a scale but I want to do it secretly for two reasons. One, I don't want my roommates to use it and start talking about their weights. Two, most of my friends know that I was anorexic years ago, I used to be pretty open about my recovery. I'm scared that my weight loss coupled with them knowing that I'm buying a scale might make them worried about me. I can't have them worried, that will make this whole thing a lot harder. I guess I could get one at Target and hide it under my bed.

who knows.

I really want to weigh myself. For the most part, besides that burrito the other night, I've been doing a pretty good job at heavy restricting. I don't have a scale and have absolutely no idea how fat I am. I weighed myself a little over a week ago so I can compare to that. People say you have to loose 10 lbs to get down a size?

(I've never done this before because I am so embarrassed of my weight... but as thinspiration I will finally post numbers).

When I weighed myself last week I was at 171. My highest weight ever was 182. My lowest about 5 years ago was 115. Right now I wear a size 14. Disgusting. My 12s are fitting again but my 14s don't feel loose really. I need to weigh myself to see if this is actually working.

Today I woke up, unpacked and got an iced coffee (skim and splenda obvi, so 30 cals maybe) and then headed into work. I stopped at the grocery store and got a banana (95 cals maybe) and the chicken in herb sauce Lean Cuisine that is way low in calories (180). I have a sugar free Redbull for later. So that will be give or take 315 for the day.

I keep looking at that picture of me at 18. I neeeed to be that again.

so fat

god I am gross today. before work i had my daily iced coffee with skim and splenda (30 cals). I bought a Lean Cuisine at the supermarket. It was the best one I could find with only 180 cals. It was chicken in herb sauce with potatoes and vegetables. But when I showed up at work they had gotten us Quiznos. I had a tiny little piece of a vegetarian sub, but its fast food so even that tiny piece probably had like 200 calories. Ugh. And then to make matters worse I still ate the Lean Cuisine and some pickles. The pickles aren't a big deal, but it still makes me feel fat. That's a bit over 400 cals today, and I know I'll probably have a beer or two later. God. I am so gross.

Every time I see a fat person on the street I remind myself that I look like that and it's really good thinspiration... but I just want to be not gross.

In good news, I guess, my friend Bridget just told me that I look like I've lost weight. I don't have a scale yet so I don't know how true it is and I still think I look fat, but it's still nice to hear.

There's this guy Dave who rejected me really badly a few months ago after we had been hooking up for months. I am now trying to very artfully get him to want to sleep with me so that I can reject him. I am so not over him.

beeeeer

So you know how I said I was "all in"? I realized the one exception: booze. Booze is the one thing I absolutely can't give up. I think I'm probably a bit of an alcoholic. But if I only eat around 300 cals a day... then a few beers won't make a huge difference, right?

The good news.... on a full stomach it takes about 6 beers to get me drunk. On a mostly empty stomach, I'm drunk after 3. So this way I save money and calories.

I was good last night. There's this guy that sells really delicious empanadas at the bars around Williamsburg for $1 each. I usually get one when he comes around (because I'm a huge gross fatty). Last night I was out and pretty hungry. He came around and I at first had the impulse to buy one... but I buried it and resisted the temptation.

Also, Ian from work exchanged numbers with the woman who cuts his hair. I'm pretty sure that if I wasn't so fat he'd like me. I'm gonna loose so much weight by the time he gets back from Uganda that he'll be really impressed.

when does it start?

I've been doing a really good job at heavily restricting. Tuesday I just had a small bag of pretzels (110 cals) for dinner. Last night I had an iced coffee (skim milk and splenda... total "safe" option) and then a Healthy Choice dinner of chicken parm with broccoli. It also came with some gross dessert, but I threw the whole thing out. With the dessert it was 390 cals, so I'm assuming it was like 330 without it? I was actually really good... I had bought a whole box of Tagalong girl scout cookies for nostalgia. I brought the box to work. I had 1 bite (not even half a cookie!) and then gave the rest away to my co-workers.

Today I had about 10 blackberries (around 62 cals), iced coffee with skim and splenda (30 cals maybe?) and a "Spa Cuisine Classic" from Lean Cuisine that was chicken and vegetables and whole wheat pasta (240 cals). So that makes today's total 332, which is way low and about what I'm shooting for for the forseeable future. I can totally commit to this... small healthy snack around lunch time (fruit or veggies or something), Iced Coffee with Skim and Splenda to hold me over, and then a Lean Cuisine, Weight Watcher's Smart One, or Healthy Choice prepared meal for dinner at work. That's totally doable, right? I can keep it around 400 cals or less a day I think.

I've also been walking a lot more. I've been getting off the subway a stop early so I get an extra few blocks in walking home. I want to get a pedometer.

I just don't know how long it will take before I start visibly loosing weight. I don't have a scale right now so I can't weigh myself. The last time I restricted this heavily (2003) I think it worked pretty fast... I lost about 40 lbs in about 3 months. But, I could be romanticizing that a bit.

I should be concerned that this is happening, but I want it more than anything right now. I want that exciting secrecy I used to have. I want to get really good at coming up with excuses not to eat. I want to look into the eyes of an anorexic girl on the subway and feel that connection that only people with eating disorders feel. I want to be someone in control and miserable. I want to know that even though people will compliment me on losing weight that they have no idea. I want to think about how upset my friends would be if they found out.

I'm all in.

food food food food hate

So this weekend was terrible as far as my issues.

I was in Boulder, Colorado with my entire extended family... and nothing makes me feel like shit as much as spending time with those judgemental, weight obsessed people.

On the first night we all went out to get chinese food, and it was the most stressful experience of my life. Everyone wanted to order large amounts of food for the entire table, and getting twenty people to all agree on food is ridiculously difficult. Somewhere in the middle I litterally had a nervous breakdown. I went into a bathroom stall and just started bawling. Crying secretly in the bathroom is something I haven't done in years. I got myself togehter and went back to the table... but once there the food debate started up again and I couldn't take it... So I started crying and had to walk outside for a cigarette. My mom came with me. She's a lot more understanding than she used to be and told me not to pay attention to my crazy family and to relax. It wasn't bad.

But the food stuff continued to be a problem. Every day I was there was a new food nightmare. Each meal was a huge family buffet. I'm good at restricting when I'm preparing or ordering my own food, but setting a huge table of food in front of me is always asking for a binge. I basically binged every meal and felt disgusting in every way by the end.

I'm back on track now and have eaten very little. I'm determined to be thin. I have enough motivation (ie self hatred) right now that it's not so difficult. Yesterday I went out for breakfast with my dad and had bacon and eggs, but it was a controlled portion, and for some reason breakfast food falls into my "safe food" catergory. I don't feel that guilty after eating eggs. I told my mom I was too stuffed to bring any food on the plane, so all I had was a little 50 cal bag of mini pretzels and club soda on the plane. When we got home it was too late to eat.

Today I went out to lunch with my mother at a diner. I got a wrap but only ate half and ordered a salad on the side instead of french fries. I threw up after I ate it. It was a truly disgusting ED moment. I was in a diner bathroom and one time when I threw up some of the vomit splashed out of the toilet and got onto my skirt. It's kind of nice to feel disgusting in an ED way, rather than a fat way.

Now I'm back in the city and at work, so I'm pretty much in the clear for tonight. I might get a bag of pretzels from the vending machine, but that won't be devastating. It's easy not to eat when noone's planning my meals.

It's good to be home. Hopefully I can start going towards my goal of not being disgusting any more. I'm at that mental place where hunger pains feel good... the feeling of success. When I was first anorexic, I lost over 30 lbs in less than two months. I'm hoping to do something similar. I'm sick of feeling like every person who walks by me is disgusted by me.

If I loose 50 pounds, maybe I'll be deserving of a boy friend.

unhealthy life

the restricting is going okay. I've had a few lapses, but no bad bingeing. I don't know if I'm losing weight because I don't have a scale... but today I put on a pair of jeans that fit well a few weeks ago. Today they were noticeably loose. I still have a long way to go though.

My life is so unhealthy. I eat a bit, but these days I mostly subsist on cigarettes, iced coffee with skim milk and splenda, cocaine, sugar free redbull and the occasional smoothie. That is a recipe for disaster, but it keeps me happy.

It's weird... I feel like the redbull is the worst thing. I never had had a redbull until fairly recently and now it's a cycle I can't seem to break. Redbull is like a drug. It's different than coffee... it makes me happy, not just energetic.

a binge and a purge

Lately, with a combination of my roommate fucking all of my guy friends and the fact that I haven't seen a therapist in months and months, my body image and self worth has gone back to complete shit.

So what does that mean I did today? Ate a whole order of buffalo wings, an entire cheese calzone and then had the largest purge in recent memory.

I have to say, it was cathartic.

Even after all the Eating Disorder rehab I've been through and everything I know about the dangers of ED behavior, I still can't help feeling excited and real when I'm going symptom crazy.

I'm not especially depressed, just not happy and restless.

Tonight I'm going to drink wine until I can't feel and do coke until I'm happy. That's it. I need a Sparks.