better.

Yesterday I saw a psychiatrist for the first time in a long time. He was nice, I liked him, but he didn't write me a prescription. Instead he wants me to do Dialectical Behavioral Therapy.

DBT is apparently the hot new thing in psychotherapy and is an intensive outpatient program for people with Borderline Personality Disorder. It sounds really good, and like it would be incredibly beneficial, but it's also really scary. One of the programs Dr. Teitel suggested is five days a week for six months!

I really do want to get better and stop hurting myself, self sabotaging, and making life hard for everyone around me... but I'm so accustomed to my bad habits that I think it would be very hard to give them up.

It sucks to be so miserable that I make myself throw up, starve myself, cut myself, do drugs that I know are hurting me, sleep with people for no reason, cry in a locked room, yell at my friends, etc.... but at the same time... that's me. These habits are terrible, but they're MY habits that I've cultivated over the past ten years... and it's hard to close the book on anything.

famous?

So apparently people on a George Carlin message board think I'm funny? Maybe? I don't know. Weird anyway.

Here it is.

The internet is weird!

ETA: The message was deleted as soon as I linked this. That was fast. I wonder who it was.

blech

I had a too-big-too-unhealthy lunch today.

It was a big macaroni and cheese.

I tried to throw it up, but it's so rough at work.

I had that "I need to get this out of me" feeling but, it's hard to get privacy. I went into the bathroom twice- both times I got a little up, but then someone would walk in and I'd have to leave. It sucks. Arg.

I feel a little better today. I felt terrible terrible terrible last night, to the extent that I wasn't sure if I would make it through the night... but I put on the TV and let myself fall asleep.

I kind of like coming to work. It's low pressure. I know what I'm doing. I know how to do it. It's hard for me to fail at. I don't have to deal with the disappointments of social situations. It's just me and the TV and the computer.

But, I e-mailed my boss today to ask to get my birthday off. She's usually pretty nice about vacation days, so I assumed it would be fine. Sadly, we're already completely understaffed for that day so I'll have to work. I almost broke down crying at that, but I held it together.

I don't know what to do about life.

I am super depressed and hopeless.

I feel like everyone around me constantly makes me miserable.

The idea that I will probably stay in the same place my whole life makes me want to die. That's the curse of being born in New York I guess. Most people leave the area they grew up at least for a few years in college. Am I destined just to float around the New York area forever?

I often think that leaving would be the only way to make some major change in my life, but I don't think I'm brave enough to actually do it.

I seriously can't stand the people around me.

I feel gross and fat. I've been trying to restrict but not doing a very good job of it. I drink too much. I purged today. I hate myself so much, I don't understand why right now the hatred isn't translating into starvation. I wish it was. I am so disgusting and everyone hates me.

I can't sleep. All I can do is lie in my bed and think about how miserable I am and how unlikely it is that anything will ever get any better.

The people that are supposedly my best friends disgust me in every way right now.

I know I've felt this way before... but it feels so utterly deep and sorrowful... It feels like it will never pass.

It always does though, right?

this is it

i think i'm at a bottom. This is a place I haven't been to since 2003, a place I never thought I'd go back to. I am completely non-functioning again. I can go to work, but not much else. I can't even pretend to be okay in social situations. I feel depressed and full of anxiety and paranoid. I think that everyone hates me, and feel like every person around me is constantly judging me. I have total "burden on everyone" syndrome and it seems litterally impossible for me to do anything.

I am super sensitive and irritable and incredibly angry. I'm very fragile and feel like I am in danger of breaking at any second. I really feel like I need to go to the hospital, but I can't. If I went they would keep me for at least five days or a week and I would loose my job. This is terrible.

wow

so the past few weeks I have been euphoric. I met a new guy who really likes me and treats me great. I stopped doing coke and cut down on drinking and quit smoking cigarettes. I thought it was really great.

Well, today i had a realization:

I am in the middle of a massive mental breakdown.

I don't know what it is... maybe my head is clearing from behind all my vices, but it really just hit me hard how dysfunctional I've been the past few months and how much I've been taking it out on my friends.

I am seriously ill.

boys make me crazy

so i have been a ball of anxiety lately.

About a week and a half ago a friend of mine gave me some good advice to help me get out of my dry spell with men.

I slept with this dude I worked with (my last day on the job was when it happened). He's not cute and I wasn't into him at all, but I hadn't had any human physical contact in so long and I was starting to go crazy. We hung out and then had sex and it was great because the whole time he was telling me about how he had wanted me for so long, blah blah blah. That raised my confidence sooo much and for the week after that I was having the best luck with men.

I even hooked up with this coffee shop dude I've been into for a long time. I was so excited and the hookup was glorious. We had great physical chemistry, and then in the morning he was begging me to stay longer and not to leave. I was on cloud nine. I thought that for sure a guy liked me.

I left his apartment and went to a graduation party. I saw him at the coffee shop later and he asked if I was still going to this other party and I told him I was and he said he would see me there after work. I was so excited.

He came and we had a good time together but when I left the party he left with me and hugged me, but went home without kissing me or making plans to see me again or anything. This sent me into a downward spiral, with the not eating, and the binge/purge and the cutting and everything. It was miserable.

I hate hate hate this part. The part where everything is exciting but everything is uncertain. It drives me bonkers. I have been a ball of complete anxiety. When I was into him but we hadn't hooked up, it was just fun. I would spend an hour getting ready just to walk to the coffee shop to buy coffee, in hopes that he'd be there, and I'd be ecstatic if he so much as smiled at me. Now, every day that goes by without something happening makes me sure that he hates me and that I am repulsive and that no one will ever love me.

He sent me a facebook message saying he wants to hang out again. That was Tuesday. Weds, I decided to make dinner for all my friends and sent him a text inviting him. He just said that he couldn't come because he was working. I know that's a reasonable excuse, but I feel like that if he liked me he would have called me or texted me about an actual time to hang out by now. I am such a fucking wreck. I don't see how my single streak will ever end.

No one will ever want me. I feel so damaged, like I'm a pair of crappy jeans hanging on the "Irregular" rack at a discount store. Someone might grab the jeans and try them on once, but when they see how terribly they're constructed, they toss them on the floor of the dressing room and go look for something better. And the only ones even willing to try are the desperate bargain hunters.

I don't understand how I can be so "popular" and have so many friends and be the girl that everyone wants to be around, but at the same time, be someone that no man would touch willingly. Must loose more weight.