gasp

I have two blogs. I post in one about TV that I actually tell people to read, and then I post in this one. This one is anonymous, and though I don't have a problem with strangers reading it, I would never tell anyone about it. Anyway, I was checking the traffic on both of my blogs today. Usually, this one has zero hits each day, so I don't even pay attention to it. Today, so far? 88 fucking hits. Wow. Who is reading this? How did you find it? I don't mind, I'm just genuinely curious how we ended up together.

Anyway, life? Well, I finally got laid last night, it's been a very very very long dry spell. I hooked up with this dude from my work who I'm not even all that into, but I just kind of needed someone to be attracted to me and willing to touch me. It did make me feel momentarily better, a bit less repulsive... a bit less useless. He's all into me and shit, but I don't want to date him. As much as I complain about being single, I don't really want a boyfriend... I just hate being single because it makes me feel like I'm not wanted by anyone.

As far as food, I'm doing a pretty good job and I might be loosing, I don't know... I need to get a scale. I bought some new clothes last week and bought some "incentive" shorts in a size 10. I never tried them on because I didn't want to feel even fatter than usual. I tried them on yesterday and they were tight, but I was able to put them on and zip them all the way up. I guess slow and steady?

This weekend was not bad. So far, I've been doing an excellent job of restricting during the week and tend to have at least one gross binge over the course of the weekend when I'm with my friends. This weekend I completely avoided binges, even at a restaurant and a bbq.

At the italian restaurant that I went to with my roommates, while they ate pizza, I had an artichoke salad (that I ate less than half of) and this octopus appetizer that I ate about a third of. Not bad at all for a restaurant. At the bbq I had one hotdog. Even that made me feel gross, but I realized that since there was food everywhere and that hotdog was all I ate for the day, it really could have been much worse.

Today something great happened. I went out for breakfast with the dude I slept with and was really bracing myself for a terrible binge. I ordered some eggs and whatnot, and ate less than one third of what was on my plate and I was completely full. It's almost like I've been weaning my body off food. I don't need it as much anymore.

gah

it's been a while since i posted.

i'm in a bit of a crazy time right now. I'm pretty depressed. I feel gross. I have been single for a very long time and most of my friends have boyfriends. It's gotten to the point that I feel like I must be a disgusting and annoying fat person that no one can get close to. People think I'm "cool" and "awesome" and "popular" but no one wants to date me.

right now I have gotten to the point where I am getting dillusional. There's this guy I work with who is not attractive (I would never go for an attractive guy because they would never go for me in a million years) and I don't even really know if he's cool, he's really shy, and I get shy around him so we haven't spoken more than 20 words to eachother. My friend Chrissie says that he looks like a glow worm and he kind of does.

Anyway, yesterday I abused my power at work (why anyone put someone as fucked up as me in a position of power is beyond me) to be able to sit next to him, and though I was shy, I eventually managed to invite him out to my barbeque on Sunday. He was friendly and said he'd like to come, he even lives two blocks away from me.

The only problem is that I don't think he likes me at all... i don't think anyone could... and now I am so crazy that I have convinced myself that I am in love with him. I day dream about how happy I'd be if we had sex, how he would ask me to move back to Seattle with him. I am miserable over some person I don't even know.

Plus, I'm super fat. I still don't have a scale, but I doubt I've been loosing weight, which sucks because I NEVER eat more than 500 calories a day. I even cut the fruit out of my diet... now all I eat is a Lean Cuisine which is under 300 calories. How can I restrict so much and not loose weight?

It must be the beer, but I'm too depressed not to drink.