better.

Yesterday I saw a psychiatrist for the first time in a long time. He was nice, I liked him, but he didn't write me a prescription. Instead he wants me to do Dialectical Behavioral Therapy.

DBT is apparently the hot new thing in psychotherapy and is an intensive outpatient program for people with Borderline Personality Disorder. It sounds really good, and like it would be incredibly beneficial, but it's also really scary. One of the programs Dr. Teitel suggested is five days a week for six months!

I really do want to get better and stop hurting myself, self sabotaging, and making life hard for everyone around me... but I'm so accustomed to my bad habits that I think it would be very hard to give them up.

It sucks to be so miserable that I make myself throw up, starve myself, cut myself, do drugs that I know are hurting me, sleep with people for no reason, cry in a locked room, yell at my friends, etc.... but at the same time... that's me. These habits are terrible, but they're MY habits that I've cultivated over the past ten years... and it's hard to close the book on anything.