Damn, I am a huge mess.

Last night I cut my arms up like crazy. I realized pretty early on in the night that it was going to happen. I had no desire to stop it- i needed to do it in order to jump start something. I don't even know what. There is a certain mental state I get in that makes me cut myself, it happens so infrequently (I've cut myself maybe 8 times in my entire like, the first time being when I was 18) that I haven't really pin pointed what it is.

The circumstances:

Last night was the first time I had hung out with Ryan D and Daniele at the same time since they started their disgusting tryst. I tried not to start problems, but I really couldn't handle the situation. I had a very short fuse with them all night. Several times I just had to walk away from them to keep myself from yelling.

Even after all their shit about keeping everything "behind closed doors", they kissed in the bar and were very obvious about leaving together. It's insulting to me and Vance that our supposed "best friends" can't even try to be sensitive to our feelings.

And of course it's not only that. My brain's a huge mess lately. I feel alone and unattractive and pointless and gross. Usually drinking heavily is enough to subdue me, but I'm in so deep right now that I needed something extra.

Dave came out and I basically threw myself at him and he rejected me. But that didn't really add to things that had upset me. Sleeping with Dave would have been simply another way to numb my pain.

Well, it's long sleeves for a while I guess.

I can't take it anymore.

Having an ex-lover/current best friend fucking my roommate/best friend has started to become more than I can handle.

As is the way with people like me, something that makes me uncomfortable doesn't tend to subside as time goes on. It tends to fester inside my head and make my brain feel like its rotting and deteriorating at an alarming speed.

To think that just over a week ago we were all a happy little band of friends, spending nearly every day together... drinking beers, going shopping for records, dancing the night away at Royal Oak. Now the idea of spending time with either of them (let alone both of them together) makes me feel scared and alone and repulsive.

Ryan has always had this strange hero complex with me... he knows that I'm sick and usually wants to "save me". I sometimes find it annoying, but also have been known to take advantage of it when I need it. I am so tempted to do that now. But I can't.

I want to seem like the victim, it's a bit of an obsession of mine. The problem is, that if I confront them and they stop (though I doubt any caring for me would get past their selfishness) then they become the victims and I become the person who ruined something for them.

I'd rather just suffer silently so I don't have to be at fault for anything.

They were here.

I got home from work last night and I could tell they were here. Daniele's door was closed and there were fancy beer bottles next to the couch. I could hear them whispering. I ran into my room and turned up the tv and chugged one of those fucking fancy beers.


A little back story:

Ryan D and I met last year at work and started dating almost immediately. I fell pretty hard. He dumped me about a month and a half later because he "didn't want a girlfriend". I, of course, took the whole thing very badly and cried and assumed there was something wrong with or repulsive about me that left me rejected once again.

Of course Daniele was one of the people I talked to about this, though she had never met him.

A few months went by, and tempers cooled, and Ryan D and I started hanging out again. I liked hanging out with him because he was sweet to me and very protective.

One day, Daniele met me out at Subway Bar. I was with a bunch of Ryan D's friends. Daniele hooked up with Ryan D's buddy Dan. He dumped her within a few weeks, and directly after, Daniele hooked up with Ryan D's roommate (and good friend of Dan's) Vance. She dumped him nearly directly after.

Soon enough, we were all friends and things were fine.

But now Daniele and Ryan D are dating. She knows about my history with him and how upset I was when he dumped me. Not like she cares, selfish bitch. The only thing she might possibly care about at any given time is herself and how much boys like her, and how much better than her friends she is.

So now I have to deal with the two of them in my apartment, a place I can't escape from. And I've lost two of my best friends.

... too... much... light...

I have one of those hangovers that makes me want to put on sunglasses when walking through a lighted room. It's pretty terrible.... how did this hangover come to pass?

Last night I met up with a bunch of people at Jill's apartment. I drank 2/3 of a bottle of wine before even making it to the bar. We went to Bushwick Country Club, which was ridiculously crowded. I drank PBRs. I start doing the shitty coke I had in the bathroom. A bunch of people from work showed up. We moved it to Art Land. A guy who had just gotten back from Iraq gave me a rose he had bought for his wife. Larry, Myka, Ruben, Michael Brady, Theresa, Jackie and I decided we needed more excitement so we went to Royal Oak.

Larry called the new coke dealer whose number I had just recieved a few nights ago. We drank and waited for him to show up and danced. I went to the bathroom and was absolutely disgusted by what I saw in the mirror. I did more coke.

The bar closed and Larry, Myka, Ruben and I took a cab to my place. We drank and did massive amounts of coke all night. You know its a coke night when you got to get more beer once the bodegas open in the morning. Not only did I go, I begged to be allowed to buy it. Pathetic. At 9am, they left my apartment.

I am such an addict.

a binge and a purge

Lately, with a combination of my roommate fucking all of my guy friends and the fact that I haven't seen a therapist in months and months, my body image and self worth has gone back to complete shit.

So what does that mean I did today? Ate a whole order of buffalo wings, an entire cheese calzone and then had the largest purge in recent memory.

I have to say, it was cathartic.

Even after all the Eating Disorder rehab I've been through and everything I know about the dangers of ED behavior, I still can't help feeling excited and real when I'm going symptom crazy.

I'm not especially depressed, just not happy and restless.

Tonight I'm going to drink wine until I can't feel and do coke until I'm happy. That's it. I need a Sparks.