hope?

tonight my friend myka told me she thought i had lost weight. i don't know if it's true, but since i can't weigh myself and always think i'm fat, it's nice to have an objective party tell me i'm not doing all this stuff for nothing.

god, i need to weigh myself

update.

today I bought a small container of blackberries for lunch (62 cals about), an iced coffe with s&s (about 50? I never know) before work, and a Mediterranean chicken Lean Cuisine (230) for dinner a little later. That's 342 for the day. I might run out for a sugarfree redbull later, but that wouldn't be the end of the world.

I really want to weigh myself. This is driving me crazy. There is no way I have lost no weight with the tiny amount I've been eating daily, right? Arg. I have no idea.

I have this pair of pants that I bought online from the Gap a few months ago. They are a 12 and they have never fit me (even though most of my 12s are kind of baggy on me now). Everyday I have been trying them on as a method of checking my progress. I can now put them on, button them, and zip them up... but they are definitely still way tight and don't actually fit.

I need a scale like what.

On the plus side, I can feel my mentality shifting towards the ED mindset, which is good because it means that I am committed. It makes it easier to say no to food. I need to buy a scale.

I need to be skinny. I'd like people to see ME when they look at me, and not a pile of fat.

maybe?

Still sucks that I can't weigh myself but two of my friends both told me I "look nice today" which probably means that I've lost weight. I don't know though.

who knows.

I really want to weigh myself. For the most part, besides that burrito the other night, I've been doing a pretty good job at heavy restricting. I don't have a scale and have absolutely no idea how fat I am. I weighed myself a little over a week ago so I can compare to that. People say you have to loose 10 lbs to get down a size?

(I've never done this before because I am so embarrassed of my weight... but as thinspiration I will finally post numbers).

When I weighed myself last week I was at 171. My highest weight ever was 182. My lowest about 5 years ago was 115. Right now I wear a size 14. Disgusting. My 12s are fitting again but my 14s don't feel loose really. I need to weigh myself to see if this is actually working.

Today I woke up, unpacked and got an iced coffee (skim and splenda obvi, so 30 cals maybe) and then headed into work. I stopped at the grocery store and got a banana (95 cals maybe) and the chicken in herb sauce Lean Cuisine that is way low in calories (180). I have a sugar free Redbull for later. So that will be give or take 315 for the day.

I keep looking at that picture of me at 18. I neeeed to be that again.

moving...

so i moved to a new place in bushwick today. the place is awesome. it's a 4 bedroom for 2300. It's a 4 bedroom duplex w 2 bathrooms and a backyard.

but, during the move i found the best thinspiration ever. While packing I found a box that I had not opened since my last move two years ago. In this box, among other things, was a packet of photos from halloween my freshman year (2003). That was at the peak of my intense anorexia and in these pics I was so skinny. One of my halloween costumes featured a pair of short shorts and a bikini top. My ribs were showing. Seeing how thin I was last time I went down this road really bolstered my resolve. I stared at those pics for a long time. That's something to strive for, and then some.

As far as my current progress... yesterday started out well. i didn't have any food in my apt (because of the move) so I got a Lean Cuisine for lunch which was around 230 cals. I also made a drink out of a tiny amount of Blue Machine Super Food and a glass of seltzer.... maybe 30 cals. That was supposed to be everything... but then my BFF Jill came over and wanted to have dinner. That was trouble. Since it was my last night in the neighb we went to this Mexican place we used to go to and I bought a burrito and ate the whole gross thing. Restaurants are really my downfall. I can avoid calories if I'm alone, but in a restaurant setting I'm super prone to binge.


But, in good news, today I was super good. I had two Red Bulls and about 1/8 cup of dried cranberries all day. Maybe around 80 cals total.

Since I was really active all day I started getting a bit woozy. My roommates were very insistent that I eat something, so I ended up having a small bowl of chickpeas with quinoa. That was about 300 cals I think. So not a total disaster.

I want to be 18 year old me again.

so fat

god I am gross today. before work i had my daily iced coffee with skim and splenda (30 cals). I bought a Lean Cuisine at the supermarket. It was the best one I could find with only 180 cals. It was chicken in herb sauce with potatoes and vegetables. But when I showed up at work they had gotten us Quiznos. I had a tiny little piece of a vegetarian sub, but its fast food so even that tiny piece probably had like 200 calories. Ugh. And then to make matters worse I still ate the Lean Cuisine and some pickles. The pickles aren't a big deal, but it still makes me feel fat. That's a bit over 400 cals today, and I know I'll probably have a beer or two later. God. I am so gross.

Every time I see a fat person on the street I remind myself that I look like that and it's really good thinspiration... but I just want to be not gross.

In good news, I guess, my friend Bridget just told me that I look like I've lost weight. I don't have a scale yet so I don't know how true it is and I still think I look fat, but it's still nice to hear.

There's this guy Dave who rejected me really badly a few months ago after we had been hooking up for months. I am now trying to very artfully get him to want to sleep with me so that I can reject him. I am so not over him.

beeeeer

So you know how I said I was "all in"? I realized the one exception: booze. Booze is the one thing I absolutely can't give up. I think I'm probably a bit of an alcoholic. But if I only eat around 300 cals a day... then a few beers won't make a huge difference, right?

The good news.... on a full stomach it takes about 6 beers to get me drunk. On a mostly empty stomach, I'm drunk after 3. So this way I save money and calories.

I was good last night. There's this guy that sells really delicious empanadas at the bars around Williamsburg for $1 each. I usually get one when he comes around (because I'm a huge gross fatty). Last night I was out and pretty hungry. He came around and I at first had the impulse to buy one... but I buried it and resisted the temptation.

Also, Ian from work exchanged numbers with the woman who cuts his hair. I'm pretty sure that if I wasn't so fat he'd like me. I'm gonna loose so much weight by the time he gets back from Uganda that he'll be really impressed.

when does it start?

I've been doing a really good job at heavily restricting. Tuesday I just had a small bag of pretzels (110 cals) for dinner. Last night I had an iced coffee (skim milk and splenda... total "safe" option) and then a Healthy Choice dinner of chicken parm with broccoli. It also came with some gross dessert, but I threw the whole thing out. With the dessert it was 390 cals, so I'm assuming it was like 330 without it? I was actually really good... I had bought a whole box of Tagalong girl scout cookies for nostalgia. I brought the box to work. I had 1 bite (not even half a cookie!) and then gave the rest away to my co-workers.

Today I had about 10 blackberries (around 62 cals), iced coffee with skim and splenda (30 cals maybe?) and a "Spa Cuisine Classic" from Lean Cuisine that was chicken and vegetables and whole wheat pasta (240 cals). So that makes today's total 332, which is way low and about what I'm shooting for for the forseeable future. I can totally commit to this... small healthy snack around lunch time (fruit or veggies or something), Iced Coffee with Skim and Splenda to hold me over, and then a Lean Cuisine, Weight Watcher's Smart One, or Healthy Choice prepared meal for dinner at work. That's totally doable, right? I can keep it around 400 cals or less a day I think.

I've also been walking a lot more. I've been getting off the subway a stop early so I get an extra few blocks in walking home. I want to get a pedometer.

I just don't know how long it will take before I start visibly loosing weight. I don't have a scale right now so I can't weigh myself. The last time I restricted this heavily (2003) I think it worked pretty fast... I lost about 40 lbs in about 3 months. But, I could be romanticizing that a bit.

I should be concerned that this is happening, but I want it more than anything right now. I want that exciting secrecy I used to have. I want to get really good at coming up with excuses not to eat. I want to look into the eyes of an anorexic girl on the subway and feel that connection that only people with eating disorders feel. I want to be someone in control and miserable. I want to know that even though people will compliment me on losing weight that they have no idea. I want to think about how upset my friends would be if they found out.

I'm all in.

food food food food hate

So this weekend was terrible as far as my issues.

I was in Boulder, Colorado with my entire extended family... and nothing makes me feel like shit as much as spending time with those judgemental, weight obsessed people.

On the first night we all went out to get chinese food, and it was the most stressful experience of my life. Everyone wanted to order large amounts of food for the entire table, and getting twenty people to all agree on food is ridiculously difficult. Somewhere in the middle I litterally had a nervous breakdown. I went into a bathroom stall and just started bawling. Crying secretly in the bathroom is something I haven't done in years. I got myself togehter and went back to the table... but once there the food debate started up again and I couldn't take it... So I started crying and had to walk outside for a cigarette. My mom came with me. She's a lot more understanding than she used to be and told me not to pay attention to my crazy family and to relax. It wasn't bad.

But the food stuff continued to be a problem. Every day I was there was a new food nightmare. Each meal was a huge family buffet. I'm good at restricting when I'm preparing or ordering my own food, but setting a huge table of food in front of me is always asking for a binge. I basically binged every meal and felt disgusting in every way by the end.

I'm back on track now and have eaten very little. I'm determined to be thin. I have enough motivation (ie self hatred) right now that it's not so difficult. Yesterday I went out for breakfast with my dad and had bacon and eggs, but it was a controlled portion, and for some reason breakfast food falls into my "safe food" catergory. I don't feel that guilty after eating eggs. I told my mom I was too stuffed to bring any food on the plane, so all I had was a little 50 cal bag of mini pretzels and club soda on the plane. When we got home it was too late to eat.

Today I went out to lunch with my mother at a diner. I got a wrap but only ate half and ordered a salad on the side instead of french fries. I threw up after I ate it. It was a truly disgusting ED moment. I was in a diner bathroom and one time when I threw up some of the vomit splashed out of the toilet and got onto my skirt. It's kind of nice to feel disgusting in an ED way, rather than a fat way.

Now I'm back in the city and at work, so I'm pretty much in the clear for tonight. I might get a bag of pretzels from the vending machine, but that won't be devastating. It's easy not to eat when noone's planning my meals.

It's good to be home. Hopefully I can start going towards my goal of not being disgusting any more. I'm at that mental place where hunger pains feel good... the feeling of success. When I was first anorexic, I lost over 30 lbs in less than two months. I'm hoping to do something similar. I'm sick of feeling like every person who walks by me is disgusted by me.

If I loose 50 pounds, maybe I'll be deserving of a boy friend.

unhealthy life

the restricting is going okay. I've had a few lapses, but no bad bingeing. I don't know if I'm losing weight because I don't have a scale... but today I put on a pair of jeans that fit well a few weeks ago. Today they were noticeably loose. I still have a long way to go though.

My life is so unhealthy. I eat a bit, but these days I mostly subsist on cigarettes, iced coffee with skim milk and splenda, cocaine, sugar free redbull and the occasional smoothie. That is a recipe for disaster, but it keeps me happy.

It's weird... I feel like the redbull is the worst thing. I never had had a redbull until fairly recently and now it's a cycle I can't seem to break. Redbull is like a drug. It's different than coffee... it makes me happy, not just energetic.