better.

Yesterday I saw a psychiatrist for the first time in a long time. He was nice, I liked him, but he didn't write me a prescription. Instead he wants me to do Dialectical Behavioral Therapy.

DBT is apparently the hot new thing in psychotherapy and is an intensive outpatient program for people with Borderline Personality Disorder. It sounds really good, and like it would be incredibly beneficial, but it's also really scary. One of the programs Dr. Teitel suggested is five days a week for six months!

I really do want to get better and stop hurting myself, self sabotaging, and making life hard for everyone around me... but I'm so accustomed to my bad habits that I think it would be very hard to give them up.

It sucks to be so miserable that I make myself throw up, starve myself, cut myself, do drugs that I know are hurting me, sleep with people for no reason, cry in a locked room, yell at my friends, etc.... but at the same time... that's me. These habits are terrible, but they're MY habits that I've cultivated over the past ten years... and it's hard to close the book on anything.

famous?

So apparently people on a George Carlin message board think I'm funny? Maybe? I don't know. Weird anyway.

Here it is.

The internet is weird!

ETA: The message was deleted as soon as I linked this. That was fast. I wonder who it was.

blech

I had a too-big-too-unhealthy lunch today.

It was a big macaroni and cheese.

I tried to throw it up, but it's so rough at work.

I had that "I need to get this out of me" feeling but, it's hard to get privacy. I went into the bathroom twice- both times I got a little up, but then someone would walk in and I'd have to leave. It sucks. Arg.

I feel a little better today. I felt terrible terrible terrible last night, to the extent that I wasn't sure if I would make it through the night... but I put on the TV and let myself fall asleep.

I kind of like coming to work. It's low pressure. I know what I'm doing. I know how to do it. It's hard for me to fail at. I don't have to deal with the disappointments of social situations. It's just me and the TV and the computer.

But, I e-mailed my boss today to ask to get my birthday off. She's usually pretty nice about vacation days, so I assumed it would be fine. Sadly, we're already completely understaffed for that day so I'll have to work. I almost broke down crying at that, but I held it together.

I don't know what to do about life.

I am super depressed and hopeless.

I feel like everyone around me constantly makes me miserable.

The idea that I will probably stay in the same place my whole life makes me want to die. That's the curse of being born in New York I guess. Most people leave the area they grew up at least for a few years in college. Am I destined just to float around the New York area forever?

I often think that leaving would be the only way to make some major change in my life, but I don't think I'm brave enough to actually do it.

I seriously can't stand the people around me.

I feel gross and fat. I've been trying to restrict but not doing a very good job of it. I drink too much. I purged today. I hate myself so much, I don't understand why right now the hatred isn't translating into starvation. I wish it was. I am so disgusting and everyone hates me.

I can't sleep. All I can do is lie in my bed and think about how miserable I am and how unlikely it is that anything will ever get any better.

The people that are supposedly my best friends disgust me in every way right now.

I know I've felt this way before... but it feels so utterly deep and sorrowful... It feels like it will never pass.

It always does though, right?

this is it

i think i'm at a bottom. This is a place I haven't been to since 2003, a place I never thought I'd go back to. I am completely non-functioning again. I can go to work, but not much else. I can't even pretend to be okay in social situations. I feel depressed and full of anxiety and paranoid. I think that everyone hates me, and feel like every person around me is constantly judging me. I have total "burden on everyone" syndrome and it seems litterally impossible for me to do anything.

I am super sensitive and irritable and incredibly angry. I'm very fragile and feel like I am in danger of breaking at any second. I really feel like I need to go to the hospital, but I can't. If I went they would keep me for at least five days or a week and I would loose my job. This is terrible.

wow

so the past few weeks I have been euphoric. I met a new guy who really likes me and treats me great. I stopped doing coke and cut down on drinking and quit smoking cigarettes. I thought it was really great.

Well, today i had a realization:

I am in the middle of a massive mental breakdown.

I don't know what it is... maybe my head is clearing from behind all my vices, but it really just hit me hard how dysfunctional I've been the past few months and how much I've been taking it out on my friends.

I am seriously ill.

boys make me crazy

so i have been a ball of anxiety lately.

About a week and a half ago a friend of mine gave me some good advice to help me get out of my dry spell with men.

I slept with this dude I worked with (my last day on the job was when it happened). He's not cute and I wasn't into him at all, but I hadn't had any human physical contact in so long and I was starting to go crazy. We hung out and then had sex and it was great because the whole time he was telling me about how he had wanted me for so long, blah blah blah. That raised my confidence sooo much and for the week after that I was having the best luck with men.

I even hooked up with this coffee shop dude I've been into for a long time. I was so excited and the hookup was glorious. We had great physical chemistry, and then in the morning he was begging me to stay longer and not to leave. I was on cloud nine. I thought that for sure a guy liked me.

I left his apartment and went to a graduation party. I saw him at the coffee shop later and he asked if I was still going to this other party and I told him I was and he said he would see me there after work. I was so excited.

He came and we had a good time together but when I left the party he left with me and hugged me, but went home without kissing me or making plans to see me again or anything. This sent me into a downward spiral, with the not eating, and the binge/purge and the cutting and everything. It was miserable.

I hate hate hate this part. The part where everything is exciting but everything is uncertain. It drives me bonkers. I have been a ball of complete anxiety. When I was into him but we hadn't hooked up, it was just fun. I would spend an hour getting ready just to walk to the coffee shop to buy coffee, in hopes that he'd be there, and I'd be ecstatic if he so much as smiled at me. Now, every day that goes by without something happening makes me sure that he hates me and that I am repulsive and that no one will ever love me.

He sent me a facebook message saying he wants to hang out again. That was Tuesday. Weds, I decided to make dinner for all my friends and sent him a text inviting him. He just said that he couldn't come because he was working. I know that's a reasonable excuse, but I feel like that if he liked me he would have called me or texted me about an actual time to hang out by now. I am such a fucking wreck. I don't see how my single streak will ever end.

No one will ever want me. I feel so damaged, like I'm a pair of crappy jeans hanging on the "Irregular" rack at a discount store. Someone might grab the jeans and try them on once, but when they see how terribly they're constructed, they toss them on the floor of the dressing room and go look for something better. And the only ones even willing to try are the desperate bargain hunters.

I don't understand how I can be so "popular" and have so many friends and be the girl that everyone wants to be around, but at the same time, be someone that no man would touch willingly. Must loose more weight.

i don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. i had been doing really well and making out with boys. Well, the dude i made out with last night, and begged me to stay at his apt this morning, just left my place/epic party. I don't understand. Last night he seemed to like me so much.

I feel like such a loser. I cut myself six times. I am so repulsive, it's terrible. i don't know what to do, i am so useless. i am so gross.

gasp

I have two blogs. I post in one about TV that I actually tell people to read, and then I post in this one. This one is anonymous, and though I don't have a problem with strangers reading it, I would never tell anyone about it. Anyway, I was checking the traffic on both of my blogs today. Usually, this one has zero hits each day, so I don't even pay attention to it. Today, so far? 88 fucking hits. Wow. Who is reading this? How did you find it? I don't mind, I'm just genuinely curious how we ended up together.

Anyway, life? Well, I finally got laid last night, it's been a very very very long dry spell. I hooked up with this dude from my work who I'm not even all that into, but I just kind of needed someone to be attracted to me and willing to touch me. It did make me feel momentarily better, a bit less repulsive... a bit less useless. He's all into me and shit, but I don't want to date him. As much as I complain about being single, I don't really want a boyfriend... I just hate being single because it makes me feel like I'm not wanted by anyone.

As far as food, I'm doing a pretty good job and I might be loosing, I don't know... I need to get a scale. I bought some new clothes last week and bought some "incentive" shorts in a size 10. I never tried them on because I didn't want to feel even fatter than usual. I tried them on yesterday and they were tight, but I was able to put them on and zip them all the way up. I guess slow and steady?

This weekend was not bad. So far, I've been doing an excellent job of restricting during the week and tend to have at least one gross binge over the course of the weekend when I'm with my friends. This weekend I completely avoided binges, even at a restaurant and a bbq.

At the italian restaurant that I went to with my roommates, while they ate pizza, I had an artichoke salad (that I ate less than half of) and this octopus appetizer that I ate about a third of. Not bad at all for a restaurant. At the bbq I had one hotdog. Even that made me feel gross, but I realized that since there was food everywhere and that hotdog was all I ate for the day, it really could have been much worse.

Today something great happened. I went out for breakfast with the dude I slept with and was really bracing myself for a terrible binge. I ordered some eggs and whatnot, and ate less than one third of what was on my plate and I was completely full. It's almost like I've been weaning my body off food. I don't need it as much anymore.

gah

it's been a while since i posted.

i'm in a bit of a crazy time right now. I'm pretty depressed. I feel gross. I have been single for a very long time and most of my friends have boyfriends. It's gotten to the point that I feel like I must be a disgusting and annoying fat person that no one can get close to. People think I'm "cool" and "awesome" and "popular" but no one wants to date me.

right now I have gotten to the point where I am getting dillusional. There's this guy I work with who is not attractive (I would never go for an attractive guy because they would never go for me in a million years) and I don't even really know if he's cool, he's really shy, and I get shy around him so we haven't spoken more than 20 words to eachother. My friend Chrissie says that he looks like a glow worm and he kind of does.

Anyway, yesterday I abused my power at work (why anyone put someone as fucked up as me in a position of power is beyond me) to be able to sit next to him, and though I was shy, I eventually managed to invite him out to my barbeque on Sunday. He was friendly and said he'd like to come, he even lives two blocks away from me.

The only problem is that I don't think he likes me at all... i don't think anyone could... and now I am so crazy that I have convinced myself that I am in love with him. I day dream about how happy I'd be if we had sex, how he would ask me to move back to Seattle with him. I am miserable over some person I don't even know.

Plus, I'm super fat. I still don't have a scale, but I doubt I've been loosing weight, which sucks because I NEVER eat more than 500 calories a day. I even cut the fruit out of my diet... now all I eat is a Lean Cuisine which is under 300 calories. How can I restrict so much and not loose weight?

It must be the beer, but I'm too depressed not to drink.

I don't know.

so today I am wearing my pants that I finally fit into. Now I hate them. I wanted to wear them for so long! I think I will go shopping this weekend and buy a new pair of jeans that I don't fit into, a size 10 I guess.

calorie intake for today:
Iced Coffee Skim Splenda (50 cals)
Banana (86 cals)
Ravioli from Lean Cuisine (240)

That's 376 for the day.

Arg. I am such a fatass. I don't even think I'm actually restricting. When I think about what I eat everyday (fruit and a Lean Cuisine and iced coffee) it seems like a lot. I don't think anyone would tell me I needed to eat more. That sounds as much as a normal person eats! I mean 376 is a low number I guess, but its actually a lot of food.

I'm gross. I stuffed my face today. I just read that bananas are mostly carbs, plus I had the ravioli. Shit, I'm gonna go grab some sugar free gum to stop me from shoving anything else in my fat mouth.

Disgusting.

today

today was okay. i hate my job.

I got to work and had my usual iced coffee/skim/splenda (did I decide on 50? I never remember) and then ate a little under a cup of blueberries (probably around 70 cals) and some actually really delicious ravioli from Lean Cuisine (240 I think? I don't remember). About 360 I guess for the day. There were some gourmet cupcakes at work. Now, I'm lucky because I generally don't like sweets, but gourmet cupcakes are one thing that does tempt me. I resisted though and just stared at them for a while. I've been getting good at eating with my eyes. When I get the urge to get something from the vending machine, I just go and stare at it. It makes me realize that the walk over to the vending machine is much more enjoyable than the actual eating of anything I might buy.

My friend Patty told me today that I was "looking quite svelt". I still don't know how much I weigh, so I'm not sure if I'm losing, but I hope I am. My jeans that I have been trying to fit into finally fit today. They're still tight, but I can wear them comfortably. I should get a pair a size smaller now as an incentive.

I want to buy a scale but I want to do it secretly for two reasons. One, I don't want my roommates to use it and start talking about their weights. Two, most of my friends know that I was anorexic years ago, I used to be pretty open about my recovery. I'm scared that my weight loss coupled with them knowing that I'm buying a scale might make them worried about me. I can't have them worried, that will make this whole thing a lot harder. I guess I could get one at Target and hide it under my bed.

hope?

tonight my friend myka told me she thought i had lost weight. i don't know if it's true, but since i can't weigh myself and always think i'm fat, it's nice to have an objective party tell me i'm not doing all this stuff for nothing.

god, i need to weigh myself

update.

today I bought a small container of blackberries for lunch (62 cals about), an iced coffe with s&s (about 50? I never know) before work, and a Mediterranean chicken Lean Cuisine (230) for dinner a little later. That's 342 for the day. I might run out for a sugarfree redbull later, but that wouldn't be the end of the world.

I really want to weigh myself. This is driving me crazy. There is no way I have lost no weight with the tiny amount I've been eating daily, right? Arg. I have no idea.

I have this pair of pants that I bought online from the Gap a few months ago. They are a 12 and they have never fit me (even though most of my 12s are kind of baggy on me now). Everyday I have been trying them on as a method of checking my progress. I can now put them on, button them, and zip them up... but they are definitely still way tight and don't actually fit.

I need a scale like what.

On the plus side, I can feel my mentality shifting towards the ED mindset, which is good because it means that I am committed. It makes it easier to say no to food. I need to buy a scale.

I need to be skinny. I'd like people to see ME when they look at me, and not a pile of fat.

maybe?

Still sucks that I can't weigh myself but two of my friends both told me I "look nice today" which probably means that I've lost weight. I don't know though.

who knows.

I really want to weigh myself. For the most part, besides that burrito the other night, I've been doing a pretty good job at heavy restricting. I don't have a scale and have absolutely no idea how fat I am. I weighed myself a little over a week ago so I can compare to that. People say you have to loose 10 lbs to get down a size?

(I've never done this before because I am so embarrassed of my weight... but as thinspiration I will finally post numbers).

When I weighed myself last week I was at 171. My highest weight ever was 182. My lowest about 5 years ago was 115. Right now I wear a size 14. Disgusting. My 12s are fitting again but my 14s don't feel loose really. I need to weigh myself to see if this is actually working.

Today I woke up, unpacked and got an iced coffee (skim and splenda obvi, so 30 cals maybe) and then headed into work. I stopped at the grocery store and got a banana (95 cals maybe) and the chicken in herb sauce Lean Cuisine that is way low in calories (180). I have a sugar free Redbull for later. So that will be give or take 315 for the day.

I keep looking at that picture of me at 18. I neeeed to be that again.

moving...

so i moved to a new place in bushwick today. the place is awesome. it's a 4 bedroom for 2300. It's a 4 bedroom duplex w 2 bathrooms and a backyard.

but, during the move i found the best thinspiration ever. While packing I found a box that I had not opened since my last move two years ago. In this box, among other things, was a packet of photos from halloween my freshman year (2003). That was at the peak of my intense anorexia and in these pics I was so skinny. One of my halloween costumes featured a pair of short shorts and a bikini top. My ribs were showing. Seeing how thin I was last time I went down this road really bolstered my resolve. I stared at those pics for a long time. That's something to strive for, and then some.

As far as my current progress... yesterday started out well. i didn't have any food in my apt (because of the move) so I got a Lean Cuisine for lunch which was around 230 cals. I also made a drink out of a tiny amount of Blue Machine Super Food and a glass of seltzer.... maybe 30 cals. That was supposed to be everything... but then my BFF Jill came over and wanted to have dinner. That was trouble. Since it was my last night in the neighb we went to this Mexican place we used to go to and I bought a burrito and ate the whole gross thing. Restaurants are really my downfall. I can avoid calories if I'm alone, but in a restaurant setting I'm super prone to binge.


But, in good news, today I was super good. I had two Red Bulls and about 1/8 cup of dried cranberries all day. Maybe around 80 cals total.

Since I was really active all day I started getting a bit woozy. My roommates were very insistent that I eat something, so I ended up having a small bowl of chickpeas with quinoa. That was about 300 cals I think. So not a total disaster.

I want to be 18 year old me again.

so fat

god I am gross today. before work i had my daily iced coffee with skim and splenda (30 cals). I bought a Lean Cuisine at the supermarket. It was the best one I could find with only 180 cals. It was chicken in herb sauce with potatoes and vegetables. But when I showed up at work they had gotten us Quiznos. I had a tiny little piece of a vegetarian sub, but its fast food so even that tiny piece probably had like 200 calories. Ugh. And then to make matters worse I still ate the Lean Cuisine and some pickles. The pickles aren't a big deal, but it still makes me feel fat. That's a bit over 400 cals today, and I know I'll probably have a beer or two later. God. I am so gross.

Every time I see a fat person on the street I remind myself that I look like that and it's really good thinspiration... but I just want to be not gross.

In good news, I guess, my friend Bridget just told me that I look like I've lost weight. I don't have a scale yet so I don't know how true it is and I still think I look fat, but it's still nice to hear.

There's this guy Dave who rejected me really badly a few months ago after we had been hooking up for months. I am now trying to very artfully get him to want to sleep with me so that I can reject him. I am so not over him.

beeeeer

So you know how I said I was "all in"? I realized the one exception: booze. Booze is the one thing I absolutely can't give up. I think I'm probably a bit of an alcoholic. But if I only eat around 300 cals a day... then a few beers won't make a huge difference, right?

The good news.... on a full stomach it takes about 6 beers to get me drunk. On a mostly empty stomach, I'm drunk after 3. So this way I save money and calories.

I was good last night. There's this guy that sells really delicious empanadas at the bars around Williamsburg for $1 each. I usually get one when he comes around (because I'm a huge gross fatty). Last night I was out and pretty hungry. He came around and I at first had the impulse to buy one... but I buried it and resisted the temptation.

Also, Ian from work exchanged numbers with the woman who cuts his hair. I'm pretty sure that if I wasn't so fat he'd like me. I'm gonna loose so much weight by the time he gets back from Uganda that he'll be really impressed.

when does it start?

I've been doing a really good job at heavily restricting. Tuesday I just had a small bag of pretzels (110 cals) for dinner. Last night I had an iced coffee (skim milk and splenda... total "safe" option) and then a Healthy Choice dinner of chicken parm with broccoli. It also came with some gross dessert, but I threw the whole thing out. With the dessert it was 390 cals, so I'm assuming it was like 330 without it? I was actually really good... I had bought a whole box of Tagalong girl scout cookies for nostalgia. I brought the box to work. I had 1 bite (not even half a cookie!) and then gave the rest away to my co-workers.

Today I had about 10 blackberries (around 62 cals), iced coffee with skim and splenda (30 cals maybe?) and a "Spa Cuisine Classic" from Lean Cuisine that was chicken and vegetables and whole wheat pasta (240 cals). So that makes today's total 332, which is way low and about what I'm shooting for for the forseeable future. I can totally commit to this... small healthy snack around lunch time (fruit or veggies or something), Iced Coffee with Skim and Splenda to hold me over, and then a Lean Cuisine, Weight Watcher's Smart One, or Healthy Choice prepared meal for dinner at work. That's totally doable, right? I can keep it around 400 cals or less a day I think.

I've also been walking a lot more. I've been getting off the subway a stop early so I get an extra few blocks in walking home. I want to get a pedometer.

I just don't know how long it will take before I start visibly loosing weight. I don't have a scale right now so I can't weigh myself. The last time I restricted this heavily (2003) I think it worked pretty fast... I lost about 40 lbs in about 3 months. But, I could be romanticizing that a bit.

I should be concerned that this is happening, but I want it more than anything right now. I want that exciting secrecy I used to have. I want to get really good at coming up with excuses not to eat. I want to look into the eyes of an anorexic girl on the subway and feel that connection that only people with eating disorders feel. I want to be someone in control and miserable. I want to know that even though people will compliment me on losing weight that they have no idea. I want to think about how upset my friends would be if they found out.

I'm all in.

food food food food hate

So this weekend was terrible as far as my issues.

I was in Boulder, Colorado with my entire extended family... and nothing makes me feel like shit as much as spending time with those judgemental, weight obsessed people.

On the first night we all went out to get chinese food, and it was the most stressful experience of my life. Everyone wanted to order large amounts of food for the entire table, and getting twenty people to all agree on food is ridiculously difficult. Somewhere in the middle I litterally had a nervous breakdown. I went into a bathroom stall and just started bawling. Crying secretly in the bathroom is something I haven't done in years. I got myself togehter and went back to the table... but once there the food debate started up again and I couldn't take it... So I started crying and had to walk outside for a cigarette. My mom came with me. She's a lot more understanding than she used to be and told me not to pay attention to my crazy family and to relax. It wasn't bad.

But the food stuff continued to be a problem. Every day I was there was a new food nightmare. Each meal was a huge family buffet. I'm good at restricting when I'm preparing or ordering my own food, but setting a huge table of food in front of me is always asking for a binge. I basically binged every meal and felt disgusting in every way by the end.

I'm back on track now and have eaten very little. I'm determined to be thin. I have enough motivation (ie self hatred) right now that it's not so difficult. Yesterday I went out for breakfast with my dad and had bacon and eggs, but it was a controlled portion, and for some reason breakfast food falls into my "safe food" catergory. I don't feel that guilty after eating eggs. I told my mom I was too stuffed to bring any food on the plane, so all I had was a little 50 cal bag of mini pretzels and club soda on the plane. When we got home it was too late to eat.

Today I went out to lunch with my mother at a diner. I got a wrap but only ate half and ordered a salad on the side instead of french fries. I threw up after I ate it. It was a truly disgusting ED moment. I was in a diner bathroom and one time when I threw up some of the vomit splashed out of the toilet and got onto my skirt. It's kind of nice to feel disgusting in an ED way, rather than a fat way.

Now I'm back in the city and at work, so I'm pretty much in the clear for tonight. I might get a bag of pretzels from the vending machine, but that won't be devastating. It's easy not to eat when noone's planning my meals.

It's good to be home. Hopefully I can start going towards my goal of not being disgusting any more. I'm at that mental place where hunger pains feel good... the feeling of success. When I was first anorexic, I lost over 30 lbs in less than two months. I'm hoping to do something similar. I'm sick of feeling like every person who walks by me is disgusted by me.

If I loose 50 pounds, maybe I'll be deserving of a boy friend.

unhealthy life

the restricting is going okay. I've had a few lapses, but no bad bingeing. I don't know if I'm losing weight because I don't have a scale... but today I put on a pair of jeans that fit well a few weeks ago. Today they were noticeably loose. I still have a long way to go though.

My life is so unhealthy. I eat a bit, but these days I mostly subsist on cigarettes, iced coffee with skim milk and splenda, cocaine, sugar free redbull and the occasional smoothie. That is a recipe for disaster, but it keeps me happy.

It's weird... I feel like the redbull is the worst thing. I never had had a redbull until fairly recently and now it's a cycle I can't seem to break. Redbull is like a drug. It's different than coffee... it makes me happy, not just energetic.

i spent too much money today...

so last night I ended up stress-eating like 300 calories at work so I didn't do as well as I thought. Still, it wasn't that bad for a first day I guess.

Today I got my haircut and it looks really pretty, so that's good inspiration to not mess up a good haircut by getting fatter. I bought some new clothes and then went shopping for some restricting friendly food at the bodega near my apartment.

I got...

Apple Sauce Cups (100 cals per cup)
Sauer Kraut in a can (0 cals per serving)
Mixed Vegetables in a can (40 cals per serving)
Saltine Crackers (60 cals for 5 crackers)
Progresso Chicken and Wild Rice Soup (100 cals per serving)
Campbell's Roasted Beef with Mushroom Soup (120 cals per serving)
Lipton's Instant Chicken Noodle Soup (45 cals per packet)

Tonight for dinner I had a serving of the beef soup and 5 saltines... so right now, as of 7pm, I'm only at 180 cals for the day. I may break down and have some apple sauce during American Idol but I'm going to try not to.


I talked to my mom on the phone today and she wants me to see this fancy nutritionist because she thinks that I gained weight after going off of an anti-psychotic I was on a few years ago. While that might be partially true, I know that the real reason I gained weight was because my anorexia destroyed my metabolism and I never learned to eat right because my food and emotions are too closely linked.

That is just like my mom. She always always always wants there to be an easy fix.... some pill I can take to make me skinny and happy and normal. She can't deal with the fact that maybe I have real problems.

here we go again

Since I am gross and fat I've decided that I need to start restricting again.

I've been purging a lot recently but I'm not really convinced that works.

So today was day 1. I ate nothing all day and then for work I got:

A hotdog (242 cals) because I had been craving one all day, with a roll (79 cals), sauerkraut (20 cals) and a side salad (6 cals) with a little bit of fat free dressing (5 cals).

For a snack later I brought an apple (72 cals) and a banana (105 cals).

If thats all I eat all day I will have a total of 519 calories. Not bad.

blahhhhhhh

I sprained my ankle last friday after a night of drinking, dancing, and coking with Larry, ex-rival Lauren, and her friend Alicia.

Since then, I haven't left my apartment at all. It's terrible.

What's worse is that I'm starting to really despise a lot of my close friends. I seem to want to only spend my time with my wildly self-destructive friends lately. Everyone else just seems boring. And ignorant. And juvenile. I don't know what it is. It can't just be the drugs.

It has escalated.

This situation is really too much for me to handle... I'm crazy, that's true, I've been crazy my whole life. Generally, I find myself fairly able to deal with things in a way that makes me seem mostly sane. In the past few days, I feel like I've transformed from my normal level of moderate crazy to full on psychotic.

Last night I went to an awesome Lost viewing party with people I don't see often. That was nice and I felt totally under control. Afterwards, I met up with some friends at a bar. Daniele and Ryan D were there. It's kind of amazing how much it upsets me. I just don't want to see either of them, but they are trying SO HARD to spend time with me. The whole thing almost feels like an out-of-body experience. I get so numb around them that I feel like I'm not even there.

I drank too much to control myself. I avoided them to the point it was very obvious. I just HAD to. I feel bad to mistreat two of my friends, but I can't help it. Every time I'm around them I am completely miserable... to the point that I burnt myself with a cigarette.

I need to avoid them to stay sane, but that just seems impossible.

Damn, I am a huge mess.

Last night I cut my arms up like crazy. I realized pretty early on in the night that it was going to happen. I had no desire to stop it- i needed to do it in order to jump start something. I don't even know what. There is a certain mental state I get in that makes me cut myself, it happens so infrequently (I've cut myself maybe 8 times in my entire like, the first time being when I was 18) that I haven't really pin pointed what it is.

The circumstances:

Last night was the first time I had hung out with Ryan D and Daniele at the same time since they started their disgusting tryst. I tried not to start problems, but I really couldn't handle the situation. I had a very short fuse with them all night. Several times I just had to walk away from them to keep myself from yelling.

Even after all their shit about keeping everything "behind closed doors", they kissed in the bar and were very obvious about leaving together. It's insulting to me and Vance that our supposed "best friends" can't even try to be sensitive to our feelings.

And of course it's not only that. My brain's a huge mess lately. I feel alone and unattractive and pointless and gross. Usually drinking heavily is enough to subdue me, but I'm in so deep right now that I needed something extra.

Dave came out and I basically threw myself at him and he rejected me. But that didn't really add to things that had upset me. Sleeping with Dave would have been simply another way to numb my pain.

Well, it's long sleeves for a while I guess.

I can't take it anymore.

Having an ex-lover/current best friend fucking my roommate/best friend has started to become more than I can handle.

As is the way with people like me, something that makes me uncomfortable doesn't tend to subside as time goes on. It tends to fester inside my head and make my brain feel like its rotting and deteriorating at an alarming speed.

To think that just over a week ago we were all a happy little band of friends, spending nearly every day together... drinking beers, going shopping for records, dancing the night away at Royal Oak. Now the idea of spending time with either of them (let alone both of them together) makes me feel scared and alone and repulsive.

Ryan has always had this strange hero complex with me... he knows that I'm sick and usually wants to "save me". I sometimes find it annoying, but also have been known to take advantage of it when I need it. I am so tempted to do that now. But I can't.

I want to seem like the victim, it's a bit of an obsession of mine. The problem is, that if I confront them and they stop (though I doubt any caring for me would get past their selfishness) then they become the victims and I become the person who ruined something for them.

I'd rather just suffer silently so I don't have to be at fault for anything.

They were here.

I got home from work last night and I could tell they were here. Daniele's door was closed and there were fancy beer bottles next to the couch. I could hear them whispering. I ran into my room and turned up the tv and chugged one of those fucking fancy beers.


A little back story:

Ryan D and I met last year at work and started dating almost immediately. I fell pretty hard. He dumped me about a month and a half later because he "didn't want a girlfriend". I, of course, took the whole thing very badly and cried and assumed there was something wrong with or repulsive about me that left me rejected once again.

Of course Daniele was one of the people I talked to about this, though she had never met him.

A few months went by, and tempers cooled, and Ryan D and I started hanging out again. I liked hanging out with him because he was sweet to me and very protective.

One day, Daniele met me out at Subway Bar. I was with a bunch of Ryan D's friends. Daniele hooked up with Ryan D's buddy Dan. He dumped her within a few weeks, and directly after, Daniele hooked up with Ryan D's roommate (and good friend of Dan's) Vance. She dumped him nearly directly after.

Soon enough, we were all friends and things were fine.

But now Daniele and Ryan D are dating. She knows about my history with him and how upset I was when he dumped me. Not like she cares, selfish bitch. The only thing she might possibly care about at any given time is herself and how much boys like her, and how much better than her friends she is.

So now I have to deal with the two of them in my apartment, a place I can't escape from. And I've lost two of my best friends.

... too... much... light...

I have one of those hangovers that makes me want to put on sunglasses when walking through a lighted room. It's pretty terrible.... how did this hangover come to pass?

Last night I met up with a bunch of people at Jill's apartment. I drank 2/3 of a bottle of wine before even making it to the bar. We went to Bushwick Country Club, which was ridiculously crowded. I drank PBRs. I start doing the shitty coke I had in the bathroom. A bunch of people from work showed up. We moved it to Art Land. A guy who had just gotten back from Iraq gave me a rose he had bought for his wife. Larry, Myka, Ruben, Michael Brady, Theresa, Jackie and I decided we needed more excitement so we went to Royal Oak.

Larry called the new coke dealer whose number I had just recieved a few nights ago. We drank and waited for him to show up and danced. I went to the bathroom and was absolutely disgusted by what I saw in the mirror. I did more coke.

The bar closed and Larry, Myka, Ruben and I took a cab to my place. We drank and did massive amounts of coke all night. You know its a coke night when you got to get more beer once the bodegas open in the morning. Not only did I go, I begged to be allowed to buy it. Pathetic. At 9am, they left my apartment.

I am such an addict.

a binge and a purge

Lately, with a combination of my roommate fucking all of my guy friends and the fact that I haven't seen a therapist in months and months, my body image and self worth has gone back to complete shit.

So what does that mean I did today? Ate a whole order of buffalo wings, an entire cheese calzone and then had the largest purge in recent memory.

I have to say, it was cathartic.

Even after all the Eating Disorder rehab I've been through and everything I know about the dangers of ED behavior, I still can't help feeling excited and real when I'm going symptom crazy.

I'm not especially depressed, just not happy and restless.

Tonight I'm going to drink wine until I can't feel and do coke until I'm happy. That's it. I need a Sparks.