better.

Yesterday I saw a psychiatrist for the first time in a long time. He was nice, I liked him, but he didn't write me a prescription. Instead he wants me to do Dialectical Behavioral Therapy.

DBT is apparently the hot new thing in psychotherapy and is an intensive outpatient program for people with Borderline Personality Disorder. It sounds really good, and like it would be incredibly beneficial, but it's also really scary. One of the programs Dr. Teitel suggested is five days a week for six months!

I really do want to get better and stop hurting myself, self sabotaging, and making life hard for everyone around me... but I'm so accustomed to my bad habits that I think it would be very hard to give them up.

It sucks to be so miserable that I make myself throw up, starve myself, cut myself, do drugs that I know are hurting me, sleep with people for no reason, cry in a locked room, yell at my friends, etc.... but at the same time... that's me. These habits are terrible, but they're MY habits that I've cultivated over the past ten years... and it's hard to close the book on anything.

famous?

So apparently people on a George Carlin message board think I'm funny? Maybe? I don't know. Weird anyway.

Here it is.

The internet is weird!

ETA: The message was deleted as soon as I linked this. That was fast. I wonder who it was.

blech

I had a too-big-too-unhealthy lunch today.

It was a big macaroni and cheese.

I tried to throw it up, but it's so rough at work.

I had that "I need to get this out of me" feeling but, it's hard to get privacy. I went into the bathroom twice- both times I got a little up, but then someone would walk in and I'd have to leave. It sucks. Arg.

I feel a little better today. I felt terrible terrible terrible last night, to the extent that I wasn't sure if I would make it through the night... but I put on the TV and let myself fall asleep.

I kind of like coming to work. It's low pressure. I know what I'm doing. I know how to do it. It's hard for me to fail at. I don't have to deal with the disappointments of social situations. It's just me and the TV and the computer.

But, I e-mailed my boss today to ask to get my birthday off. She's usually pretty nice about vacation days, so I assumed it would be fine. Sadly, we're already completely understaffed for that day so I'll have to work. I almost broke down crying at that, but I held it together.

I don't know what to do about life.

I am super depressed and hopeless.

I feel like everyone around me constantly makes me miserable.

The idea that I will probably stay in the same place my whole life makes me want to die. That's the curse of being born in New York I guess. Most people leave the area they grew up at least for a few years in college. Am I destined just to float around the New York area forever?

I often think that leaving would be the only way to make some major change in my life, but I don't think I'm brave enough to actually do it.

I seriously can't stand the people around me.

I feel gross and fat. I've been trying to restrict but not doing a very good job of it. I drink too much. I purged today. I hate myself so much, I don't understand why right now the hatred isn't translating into starvation. I wish it was. I am so disgusting and everyone hates me.

I can't sleep. All I can do is lie in my bed and think about how miserable I am and how unlikely it is that anything will ever get any better.

The people that are supposedly my best friends disgust me in every way right now.

I know I've felt this way before... but it feels so utterly deep and sorrowful... It feels like it will never pass.

It always does though, right?

this is it

i think i'm at a bottom. This is a place I haven't been to since 2003, a place I never thought I'd go back to. I am completely non-functioning again. I can go to work, but not much else. I can't even pretend to be okay in social situations. I feel depressed and full of anxiety and paranoid. I think that everyone hates me, and feel like every person around me is constantly judging me. I have total "burden on everyone" syndrome and it seems litterally impossible for me to do anything.

I am super sensitive and irritable and incredibly angry. I'm very fragile and feel like I am in danger of breaking at any second. I really feel like I need to go to the hospital, but I can't. If I went they would keep me for at least five days or a week and I would loose my job. This is terrible.