so i have been a ball of anxiety lately.
About a week and a half ago a friend of mine gave me some good advice to help me get out of my dry spell with men.
I slept with this dude I worked with (my last day on the job was when it happened). He's not cute and I wasn't into him at all, but I hadn't had any human physical contact in so long and I was starting to go crazy. We hung out and then had sex and it was great because the whole time he was telling me about how he had wanted me for so long, blah blah blah. That raised my confidence sooo much and for the week after that I was having the best luck with men.
I even hooked up with this coffee shop dude I've been into for a long time. I was so excited and the hookup was glorious. We had great physical chemistry, and then in the morning he was begging me to stay longer and not to leave. I was on cloud nine. I thought that for sure a guy liked me.
I left his apartment and went to a graduation party. I saw him at the coffee shop later and he asked if I was still going to this other party and I told him I was and he said he would see me there after work. I was so excited.
He came and we had a good time together but when I left the party he left with me and hugged me, but went home without kissing me or making plans to see me again or anything. This sent me into a downward spiral, with the not eating, and the binge/purge and the cutting and everything. It was miserable.
I hate hate hate this part. The part where everything is exciting but everything is uncertain. It drives me bonkers. I have been a ball of complete anxiety. When I was into him but we hadn't hooked up, it was just fun. I would spend an hour getting ready just to walk to the coffee shop to buy coffee, in hopes that he'd be there, and I'd be ecstatic if he so much as smiled at me. Now, every day that goes by without something happening makes me sure that he hates me and that I am repulsive and that no one will ever love me.
He sent me a facebook message saying he wants to hang out again. That was Tuesday. Weds, I decided to make dinner for all my friends and sent him a text inviting him. He just said that he couldn't come because he was working. I know that's a reasonable excuse, but I feel like that if he liked me he would have called me or texted me about an actual time to hang out by now. I am such a fucking wreck. I don't see how my single streak will ever end.
No one will ever want me. I feel so damaged, like I'm a pair of crappy jeans hanging on the "Irregular" rack at a discount store. Someone might grab the jeans and try them on once, but when they see how terribly they're constructed, they toss them on the floor of the dressing room and go look for something better. And the only ones even willing to try are the desperate bargain hunters.
I don't understand how I can be so "popular" and have so many friends and be the girl that everyone wants to be around, but at the same time, be someone that no man would touch willingly. Must loose more weight.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Sunday, May 25, 2008
i don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. i had been doing really well and making out with boys. Well, the dude i made out with last night, and begged me to stay at his apt this morning, just left my place/epic party. I don't understand. Last night he seemed to like me so much.
I feel like such a loser. I cut myself six times. I am so repulsive, it's terrible. i don't know what to do, i am so useless. i am so gross.
I feel like such a loser. I cut myself six times. I am so repulsive, it's terrible. i don't know what to do, i am so useless. i am so gross.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
gasp
I have two blogs. I post in one about TV that I actually tell people to read, and then I post in this one. This one is anonymous, and though I don't have a problem with strangers reading it, I would never tell anyone about it. Anyway, I was checking the traffic on both of my blogs today. Usually, this one has zero hits each day, so I don't even pay attention to it. Today, so far? 88 fucking hits. Wow. Who is reading this? How did you find it? I don't mind, I'm just genuinely curious how we ended up together.
Anyway, life? Well, I finally got laid last night, it's been a very very very long dry spell. I hooked up with this dude from my work who I'm not even all that into, but I just kind of needed someone to be attracted to me and willing to touch me. It did make me feel momentarily better, a bit less repulsive... a bit less useless. He's all into me and shit, but I don't want to date him. As much as I complain about being single, I don't really want a boyfriend... I just hate being single because it makes me feel like I'm not wanted by anyone.
As far as food, I'm doing a pretty good job and I might be loosing, I don't know... I need to get a scale. I bought some new clothes last week and bought some "incentive" shorts in a size 10. I never tried them on because I didn't want to feel even fatter than usual. I tried them on yesterday and they were tight, but I was able to put them on and zip them all the way up. I guess slow and steady?
This weekend was not bad. So far, I've been doing an excellent job of restricting during the week and tend to have at least one gross binge over the course of the weekend when I'm with my friends. This weekend I completely avoided binges, even at a restaurant and a bbq.
At the italian restaurant that I went to with my roommates, while they ate pizza, I had an artichoke salad (that I ate less than half of) and this octopus appetizer that I ate about a third of. Not bad at all for a restaurant. At the bbq I had one hotdog. Even that made me feel gross, but I realized that since there was food everywhere and that hotdog was all I ate for the day, it really could have been much worse.
Today something great happened. I went out for breakfast with the dude I slept with and was really bracing myself for a terrible binge. I ordered some eggs and whatnot, and ate less than one third of what was on my plate and I was completely full. It's almost like I've been weaning my body off food. I don't need it as much anymore.
Anyway, life? Well, I finally got laid last night, it's been a very very very long dry spell. I hooked up with this dude from my work who I'm not even all that into, but I just kind of needed someone to be attracted to me and willing to touch me. It did make me feel momentarily better, a bit less repulsive... a bit less useless. He's all into me and shit, but I don't want to date him. As much as I complain about being single, I don't really want a boyfriend... I just hate being single because it makes me feel like I'm not wanted by anyone.
As far as food, I'm doing a pretty good job and I might be loosing, I don't know... I need to get a scale. I bought some new clothes last week and bought some "incentive" shorts in a size 10. I never tried them on because I didn't want to feel even fatter than usual. I tried them on yesterday and they were tight, but I was able to put them on and zip them all the way up. I guess slow and steady?
This weekend was not bad. So far, I've been doing an excellent job of restricting during the week and tend to have at least one gross binge over the course of the weekend when I'm with my friends. This weekend I completely avoided binges, even at a restaurant and a bbq.
At the italian restaurant that I went to with my roommates, while they ate pizza, I had an artichoke salad (that I ate less than half of) and this octopus appetizer that I ate about a third of. Not bad at all for a restaurant. At the bbq I had one hotdog. Even that made me feel gross, but I realized that since there was food everywhere and that hotdog was all I ate for the day, it really could have been much worse.
Today something great happened. I went out for breakfast with the dude I slept with and was really bracing myself for a terrible binge. I ordered some eggs and whatnot, and ate less than one third of what was on my plate and I was completely full. It's almost like I've been weaning my body off food. I don't need it as much anymore.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
gah
it's been a while since i posted.
i'm in a bit of a crazy time right now. I'm pretty depressed. I feel gross. I have been single for a very long time and most of my friends have boyfriends. It's gotten to the point that I feel like I must be a disgusting and annoying fat person that no one can get close to. People think I'm "cool" and "awesome" and "popular" but no one wants to date me.
right now I have gotten to the point where I am getting dillusional. There's this guy I work with who is not attractive (I would never go for an attractive guy because they would never go for me in a million years) and I don't even really know if he's cool, he's really shy, and I get shy around him so we haven't spoken more than 20 words to eachother. My friend Chrissie says that he looks like a glow worm and he kind of does.
Anyway, yesterday I abused my power at work (why anyone put someone as fucked up as me in a position of power is beyond me) to be able to sit next to him, and though I was shy, I eventually managed to invite him out to my barbeque on Sunday. He was friendly and said he'd like to come, he even lives two blocks away from me.
The only problem is that I don't think he likes me at all... i don't think anyone could... and now I am so crazy that I have convinced myself that I am in love with him. I day dream about how happy I'd be if we had sex, how he would ask me to move back to Seattle with him. I am miserable over some person I don't even know.
Plus, I'm super fat. I still don't have a scale, but I doubt I've been loosing weight, which sucks because I NEVER eat more than 500 calories a day. I even cut the fruit out of my diet... now all I eat is a Lean Cuisine which is under 300 calories. How can I restrict so much and not loose weight?
It must be the beer, but I'm too depressed not to drink.
i'm in a bit of a crazy time right now. I'm pretty depressed. I feel gross. I have been single for a very long time and most of my friends have boyfriends. It's gotten to the point that I feel like I must be a disgusting and annoying fat person that no one can get close to. People think I'm "cool" and "awesome" and "popular" but no one wants to date me.
right now I have gotten to the point where I am getting dillusional. There's this guy I work with who is not attractive (I would never go for an attractive guy because they would never go for me in a million years) and I don't even really know if he's cool, he's really shy, and I get shy around him so we haven't spoken more than 20 words to eachother. My friend Chrissie says that he looks like a glow worm and he kind of does.
Anyway, yesterday I abused my power at work (why anyone put someone as fucked up as me in a position of power is beyond me) to be able to sit next to him, and though I was shy, I eventually managed to invite him out to my barbeque on Sunday. He was friendly and said he'd like to come, he even lives two blocks away from me.
The only problem is that I don't think he likes me at all... i don't think anyone could... and now I am so crazy that I have convinced myself that I am in love with him. I day dream about how happy I'd be if we had sex, how he would ask me to move back to Seattle with him. I am miserable over some person I don't even know.
Plus, I'm super fat. I still don't have a scale, but I doubt I've been loosing weight, which sucks because I NEVER eat more than 500 calories a day. I even cut the fruit out of my diet... now all I eat is a Lean Cuisine which is under 300 calories. How can I restrict so much and not loose weight?
It must be the beer, but I'm too depressed not to drink.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
I don't know.
so today I am wearing my pants that I finally fit into. Now I hate them. I wanted to wear them for so long! I think I will go shopping this weekend and buy a new pair of jeans that I don't fit into, a size 10 I guess.
calorie intake for today:
Iced Coffee Skim Splenda (50 cals)
Banana (86 cals)
Ravioli from Lean Cuisine (240)
That's 376 for the day.
Arg. I am such a fatass. I don't even think I'm actually restricting. When I think about what I eat everyday (fruit and a Lean Cuisine and iced coffee) it seems like a lot. I don't think anyone would tell me I needed to eat more. That sounds as much as a normal person eats! I mean 376 is a low number I guess, but its actually a lot of food.
I'm gross. I stuffed my face today. I just read that bananas are mostly carbs, plus I had the ravioli. Shit, I'm gonna go grab some sugar free gum to stop me from shoving anything else in my fat mouth.
Disgusting.
calorie intake for today:
Iced Coffee Skim Splenda (50 cals)
Banana (86 cals)
Ravioli from Lean Cuisine (240)
That's 376 for the day.
Arg. I am such a fatass. I don't even think I'm actually restricting. When I think about what I eat everyday (fruit and a Lean Cuisine and iced coffee) it seems like a lot. I don't think anyone would tell me I needed to eat more. That sounds as much as a normal person eats! I mean 376 is a low number I guess, but its actually a lot of food.
I'm gross. I stuffed my face today. I just read that bananas are mostly carbs, plus I had the ravioli. Shit, I'm gonna go grab some sugar free gum to stop me from shoving anything else in my fat mouth.
Disgusting.
today
today was okay. i hate my job.
I got to work and had my usual iced coffee/skim/splenda (did I decide on 50? I never remember) and then ate a little under a cup of blueberries (probably around 70 cals) and some actually really delicious ravioli from Lean Cuisine (240 I think? I don't remember). About 360 I guess for the day. There were some gourmet cupcakes at work. Now, I'm lucky because I generally don't like sweets, but gourmet cupcakes are one thing that does tempt me. I resisted though and just stared at them for a while. I've been getting good at eating with my eyes. When I get the urge to get something from the vending machine, I just go and stare at it. It makes me realize that the walk over to the vending machine is much more enjoyable than the actual eating of anything I might buy.
My friend Patty told me today that I was "looking quite svelt". I still don't know how much I weigh, so I'm not sure if I'm losing, but I hope I am. My jeans that I have been trying to fit into finally fit today. They're still tight, but I can wear them comfortably. I should get a pair a size smaller now as an incentive.
I want to buy a scale but I want to do it secretly for two reasons. One, I don't want my roommates to use it and start talking about their weights. Two, most of my friends know that I was anorexic years ago, I used to be pretty open about my recovery. I'm scared that my weight loss coupled with them knowing that I'm buying a scale might make them worried about me. I can't have them worried, that will make this whole thing a lot harder. I guess I could get one at Target and hide it under my bed.
I got to work and had my usual iced coffee/skim/splenda (did I decide on 50? I never remember) and then ate a little under a cup of blueberries (probably around 70 cals) and some actually really delicious ravioli from Lean Cuisine (240 I think? I don't remember). About 360 I guess for the day. There were some gourmet cupcakes at work. Now, I'm lucky because I generally don't like sweets, but gourmet cupcakes are one thing that does tempt me. I resisted though and just stared at them for a while. I've been getting good at eating with my eyes. When I get the urge to get something from the vending machine, I just go and stare at it. It makes me realize that the walk over to the vending machine is much more enjoyable than the actual eating of anything I might buy.
My friend Patty told me today that I was "looking quite svelt". I still don't know how much I weigh, so I'm not sure if I'm losing, but I hope I am. My jeans that I have been trying to fit into finally fit today. They're still tight, but I can wear them comfortably. I should get a pair a size smaller now as an incentive.
I want to buy a scale but I want to do it secretly for two reasons. One, I don't want my roommates to use it and start talking about their weights. Two, most of my friends know that I was anorexic years ago, I used to be pretty open about my recovery. I'm scared that my weight loss coupled with them knowing that I'm buying a scale might make them worried about me. I can't have them worried, that will make this whole thing a lot harder. I guess I could get one at Target and hide it under my bed.
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