food food food food hate

So this weekend was terrible as far as my issues.

I was in Boulder, Colorado with my entire extended family... and nothing makes me feel like shit as much as spending time with those judgemental, weight obsessed people.

On the first night we all went out to get chinese food, and it was the most stressful experience of my life. Everyone wanted to order large amounts of food for the entire table, and getting twenty people to all agree on food is ridiculously difficult. Somewhere in the middle I litterally had a nervous breakdown. I went into a bathroom stall and just started bawling. Crying secretly in the bathroom is something I haven't done in years. I got myself togehter and went back to the table... but once there the food debate started up again and I couldn't take it... So I started crying and had to walk outside for a cigarette. My mom came with me. She's a lot more understanding than she used to be and told me not to pay attention to my crazy family and to relax. It wasn't bad.

But the food stuff continued to be a problem. Every day I was there was a new food nightmare. Each meal was a huge family buffet. I'm good at restricting when I'm preparing or ordering my own food, but setting a huge table of food in front of me is always asking for a binge. I basically binged every meal and felt disgusting in every way by the end.

I'm back on track now and have eaten very little. I'm determined to be thin. I have enough motivation (ie self hatred) right now that it's not so difficult. Yesterday I went out for breakfast with my dad and had bacon and eggs, but it was a controlled portion, and for some reason breakfast food falls into my "safe food" catergory. I don't feel that guilty after eating eggs. I told my mom I was too stuffed to bring any food on the plane, so all I had was a little 50 cal bag of mini pretzels and club soda on the plane. When we got home it was too late to eat.

Today I went out to lunch with my mother at a diner. I got a wrap but only ate half and ordered a salad on the side instead of french fries. I threw up after I ate it. It was a truly disgusting ED moment. I was in a diner bathroom and one time when I threw up some of the vomit splashed out of the toilet and got onto my skirt. It's kind of nice to feel disgusting in an ED way, rather than a fat way.

Now I'm back in the city and at work, so I'm pretty much in the clear for tonight. I might get a bag of pretzels from the vending machine, but that won't be devastating. It's easy not to eat when noone's planning my meals.

It's good to be home. Hopefully I can start going towards my goal of not being disgusting any more. I'm at that mental place where hunger pains feel good... the feeling of success. When I was first anorexic, I lost over 30 lbs in less than two months. I'm hoping to do something similar. I'm sick of feeling like every person who walks by me is disgusted by me.

If I loose 50 pounds, maybe I'll be deserving of a boy friend.