today

today was okay. i hate my job.

I got to work and had my usual iced coffee/skim/splenda (did I decide on 50? I never remember) and then ate a little under a cup of blueberries (probably around 70 cals) and some actually really delicious ravioli from Lean Cuisine (240 I think? I don't remember). About 360 I guess for the day. There were some gourmet cupcakes at work. Now, I'm lucky because I generally don't like sweets, but gourmet cupcakes are one thing that does tempt me. I resisted though and just stared at them for a while. I've been getting good at eating with my eyes. When I get the urge to get something from the vending machine, I just go and stare at it. It makes me realize that the walk over to the vending machine is much more enjoyable than the actual eating of anything I might buy.

My friend Patty told me today that I was "looking quite svelt". I still don't know how much I weigh, so I'm not sure if I'm losing, but I hope I am. My jeans that I have been trying to fit into finally fit today. They're still tight, but I can wear them comfortably. I should get a pair a size smaller now as an incentive.

I want to buy a scale but I want to do it secretly for two reasons. One, I don't want my roommates to use it and start talking about their weights. Two, most of my friends know that I was anorexic years ago, I used to be pretty open about my recovery. I'm scared that my weight loss coupled with them knowing that I'm buying a scale might make them worried about me. I can't have them worried, that will make this whole thing a lot harder. I guess I could get one at Target and hide it under my bed.

when does it start?

I've been doing a really good job at heavily restricting. Tuesday I just had a small bag of pretzels (110 cals) for dinner. Last night I had an iced coffee (skim milk and splenda... total "safe" option) and then a Healthy Choice dinner of chicken parm with broccoli. It also came with some gross dessert, but I threw the whole thing out. With the dessert it was 390 cals, so I'm assuming it was like 330 without it? I was actually really good... I had bought a whole box of Tagalong girl scout cookies for nostalgia. I brought the box to work. I had 1 bite (not even half a cookie!) and then gave the rest away to my co-workers.

Today I had about 10 blackberries (around 62 cals), iced coffee with skim and splenda (30 cals maybe?) and a "Spa Cuisine Classic" from Lean Cuisine that was chicken and vegetables and whole wheat pasta (240 cals). So that makes today's total 332, which is way low and about what I'm shooting for for the forseeable future. I can totally commit to this... small healthy snack around lunch time (fruit or veggies or something), Iced Coffee with Skim and Splenda to hold me over, and then a Lean Cuisine, Weight Watcher's Smart One, or Healthy Choice prepared meal for dinner at work. That's totally doable, right? I can keep it around 400 cals or less a day I think.

I've also been walking a lot more. I've been getting off the subway a stop early so I get an extra few blocks in walking home. I want to get a pedometer.

I just don't know how long it will take before I start visibly loosing weight. I don't have a scale right now so I can't weigh myself. The last time I restricted this heavily (2003) I think it worked pretty fast... I lost about 40 lbs in about 3 months. But, I could be romanticizing that a bit.

I should be concerned that this is happening, but I want it more than anything right now. I want that exciting secrecy I used to have. I want to get really good at coming up with excuses not to eat. I want to look into the eyes of an anorexic girl on the subway and feel that connection that only people with eating disorders feel. I want to be someone in control and miserable. I want to know that even though people will compliment me on losing weight that they have no idea. I want to think about how upset my friends would be if they found out.

I'm all in.