gah

it's been a while since i posted.

i'm in a bit of a crazy time right now. I'm pretty depressed. I feel gross. I have been single for a very long time and most of my friends have boyfriends. It's gotten to the point that I feel like I must be a disgusting and annoying fat person that no one can get close to. People think I'm "cool" and "awesome" and "popular" but no one wants to date me.

right now I have gotten to the point where I am getting dillusional. There's this guy I work with who is not attractive (I would never go for an attractive guy because they would never go for me in a million years) and I don't even really know if he's cool, he's really shy, and I get shy around him so we haven't spoken more than 20 words to eachother. My friend Chrissie says that he looks like a glow worm and he kind of does.

Anyway, yesterday I abused my power at work (why anyone put someone as fucked up as me in a position of power is beyond me) to be able to sit next to him, and though I was shy, I eventually managed to invite him out to my barbeque on Sunday. He was friendly and said he'd like to come, he even lives two blocks away from me.

The only problem is that I don't think he likes me at all... i don't think anyone could... and now I am so crazy that I have convinced myself that I am in love with him. I day dream about how happy I'd be if we had sex, how he would ask me to move back to Seattle with him. I am miserable over some person I don't even know.

Plus, I'm super fat. I still don't have a scale, but I doubt I've been loosing weight, which sucks because I NEVER eat more than 500 calories a day. I even cut the fruit out of my diet... now all I eat is a Lean Cuisine which is under 300 calories. How can I restrict so much and not loose weight?

It must be the beer, but I'm too depressed not to drink.

so fat

god I am gross today. before work i had my daily iced coffee with skim and splenda (30 cals). I bought a Lean Cuisine at the supermarket. It was the best one I could find with only 180 cals. It was chicken in herb sauce with potatoes and vegetables. But when I showed up at work they had gotten us Quiznos. I had a tiny little piece of a vegetarian sub, but its fast food so even that tiny piece probably had like 200 calories. Ugh. And then to make matters worse I still ate the Lean Cuisine and some pickles. The pickles aren't a big deal, but it still makes me feel fat. That's a bit over 400 cals today, and I know I'll probably have a beer or two later. God. I am so gross.

Every time I see a fat person on the street I remind myself that I look like that and it's really good thinspiration... but I just want to be not gross.

In good news, I guess, my friend Bridget just told me that I look like I've lost weight. I don't have a scale yet so I don't know how true it is and I still think I look fat, but it's still nice to hear.

There's this guy Dave who rejected me really badly a few months ago after we had been hooking up for months. I am now trying to very artfully get him to want to sleep with me so that I can reject him. I am so not over him.

Damn, I am a huge mess.

Last night I cut my arms up like crazy. I realized pretty early on in the night that it was going to happen. I had no desire to stop it- i needed to do it in order to jump start something. I don't even know what. There is a certain mental state I get in that makes me cut myself, it happens so infrequently (I've cut myself maybe 8 times in my entire like, the first time being when I was 18) that I haven't really pin pointed what it is.

The circumstances:

Last night was the first time I had hung out with Ryan D and Daniele at the same time since they started their disgusting tryst. I tried not to start problems, but I really couldn't handle the situation. I had a very short fuse with them all night. Several times I just had to walk away from them to keep myself from yelling.

Even after all their shit about keeping everything "behind closed doors", they kissed in the bar and were very obvious about leaving together. It's insulting to me and Vance that our supposed "best friends" can't even try to be sensitive to our feelings.

And of course it's not only that. My brain's a huge mess lately. I feel alone and unattractive and pointless and gross. Usually drinking heavily is enough to subdue me, but I'm in so deep right now that I needed something extra.

Dave came out and I basically threw myself at him and he rejected me. But that didn't really add to things that had upset me. Sleeping with Dave would have been simply another way to numb my pain.

Well, it's long sleeves for a while I guess.