I can't take it anymore.

Having an ex-lover/current best friend fucking my roommate/best friend has started to become more than I can handle.

As is the way with people like me, something that makes me uncomfortable doesn't tend to subside as time goes on. It tends to fester inside my head and make my brain feel like its rotting and deteriorating at an alarming speed.

To think that just over a week ago we were all a happy little band of friends, spending nearly every day together... drinking beers, going shopping for records, dancing the night away at Royal Oak. Now the idea of spending time with either of them (let alone both of them together) makes me feel scared and alone and repulsive.

Ryan has always had this strange hero complex with me... he knows that I'm sick and usually wants to "save me". I sometimes find it annoying, but also have been known to take advantage of it when I need it. I am so tempted to do that now. But I can't.

I want to seem like the victim, it's a bit of an obsession of mine. The problem is, that if I confront them and they stop (though I doubt any caring for me would get past their selfishness) then they become the victims and I become the person who ruined something for them.

I'd rather just suffer silently so I don't have to be at fault for anything.

They were here.

I got home from work last night and I could tell they were here. Daniele's door was closed and there were fancy beer bottles next to the couch. I could hear them whispering. I ran into my room and turned up the tv and chugged one of those fucking fancy beers.


A little back story:

Ryan D and I met last year at work and started dating almost immediately. I fell pretty hard. He dumped me about a month and a half later because he "didn't want a girlfriend". I, of course, took the whole thing very badly and cried and assumed there was something wrong with or repulsive about me that left me rejected once again.

Of course Daniele was one of the people I talked to about this, though she had never met him.

A few months went by, and tempers cooled, and Ryan D and I started hanging out again. I liked hanging out with him because he was sweet to me and very protective.

One day, Daniele met me out at Subway Bar. I was with a bunch of Ryan D's friends. Daniele hooked up with Ryan D's buddy Dan. He dumped her within a few weeks, and directly after, Daniele hooked up with Ryan D's roommate (and good friend of Dan's) Vance. She dumped him nearly directly after.

Soon enough, we were all friends and things were fine.

But now Daniele and Ryan D are dating. She knows about my history with him and how upset I was when he dumped me. Not like she cares, selfish bitch. The only thing she might possibly care about at any given time is herself and how much boys like her, and how much better than her friends she is.

So now I have to deal with the two of them in my apartment, a place I can't escape from. And I've lost two of my best friends.