Last night I cut my arms up like crazy. I realized pretty early on in the night that it was going to happen. I had no desire to stop it- i needed to do it in order to jump start something. I don't even know what. There is a certain mental state I get in that makes me cut myself, it happens so infrequently (I've cut myself maybe 8 times in my entire like, the first time being when I was 18) that I haven't really pin pointed what it is.
The circumstances:
Last night was the first time I had hung out with Ryan D and Daniele at the same time since they started their disgusting tryst. I tried not to start problems, but I really couldn't handle the situation. I had a very short fuse with them all night. Several times I just had to walk away from them to keep myself from yelling.
Even after all their shit about keeping everything "behind closed doors", they kissed in the bar and were very obvious about leaving together. It's insulting to me and Vance that our supposed "best friends" can't even try to be sensitive to our feelings.
And of course it's not only that. My brain's a huge mess lately. I feel alone and unattractive and pointless and gross. Usually drinking heavily is enough to subdue me, but I'm in so deep right now that I needed something extra.
Dave came out and I basically threw myself at him and he rejected me. But that didn't really add to things that had upset me. Sleeping with Dave would have been simply another way to numb my pain.
Well, it's long sleeves for a while I guess.
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