so last night I ended up stress-eating like 300 calories at work so I didn't do as well as I thought. Still, it wasn't that bad for a first day I guess.
Today I got my haircut and it looks really pretty, so that's good inspiration to not mess up a good haircut by getting fatter. I bought some new clothes and then went shopping for some restricting friendly food at the bodega near my apartment.
I got...
Apple Sauce Cups (100 cals per cup)
Sauer Kraut in a can (0 cals per serving)
Mixed Vegetables in a can (40 cals per serving)
Saltine Crackers (60 cals for 5 crackers)
Progresso Chicken and Wild Rice Soup (100 cals per serving)
Campbell's Roasted Beef with Mushroom Soup (120 cals per serving)
Lipton's Instant Chicken Noodle Soup (45 cals per packet)
Tonight for dinner I had a serving of the beef soup and 5 saltines... so right now, as of 7pm, I'm only at 180 cals for the day. I may break down and have some apple sauce during American Idol but I'm going to try not to.
I talked to my mom on the phone today and she wants me to see this fancy nutritionist because she thinks that I gained weight after going off of an anti-psychotic I was on a few years ago. While that might be partially true, I know that the real reason I gained weight was because my anorexia destroyed my metabolism and I never learned to eat right because my food and emotions are too closely linked.
That is just like my mom. She always always always wants there to be an easy fix.... some pill I can take to make me skinny and happy and normal. She can't deal with the fact that maybe I have real problems.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Monday, March 10, 2008
here we go again
Since I am gross and fat I've decided that I need to start restricting again.
I've been purging a lot recently but I'm not really convinced that works.
So today was day 1. I ate nothing all day and then for work I got:
A hotdog (242 cals) because I had been craving one all day, with a roll (79 cals), sauerkraut (20 cals) and a side salad (6 cals) with a little bit of fat free dressing (5 cals).
For a snack later I brought an apple (72 cals) and a banana (105 cals).
If thats all I eat all day I will have a total of 519 calories. Not bad.
I've been purging a lot recently but I'm not really convinced that works.
So today was day 1. I ate nothing all day and then for work I got:
A hotdog (242 cals) because I had been craving one all day, with a roll (79 cals), sauerkraut (20 cals) and a side salad (6 cals) with a little bit of fat free dressing (5 cals).
For a snack later I brought an apple (72 cals) and a banana (105 cals).
If thats all I eat all day I will have a total of 519 calories. Not bad.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
blahhhhhhh
I sprained my ankle last friday after a night of drinking, dancing, and coking with Larry, ex-rival Lauren, and her friend Alicia.
Since then, I haven't left my apartment at all. It's terrible.
What's worse is that I'm starting to really despise a lot of my close friends. I seem to want to only spend my time with my wildly self-destructive friends lately. Everyone else just seems boring. And ignorant. And juvenile. I don't know what it is. It can't just be the drugs.
Since then, I haven't left my apartment at all. It's terrible.
What's worse is that I'm starting to really despise a lot of my close friends. I seem to want to only spend my time with my wildly self-destructive friends lately. Everyone else just seems boring. And ignorant. And juvenile. I don't know what it is. It can't just be the drugs.
Friday, February 1, 2008
It has escalated.
This situation is really too much for me to handle... I'm crazy, that's true, I've been crazy my whole life. Generally, I find myself fairly able to deal with things in a way that makes me seem mostly sane. In the past few days, I feel like I've transformed from my normal level of moderate crazy to full on psychotic.
Last night I went to an awesome Lost viewing party with people I don't see often. That was nice and I felt totally under control. Afterwards, I met up with some friends at a bar. Daniele and Ryan D were there. It's kind of amazing how much it upsets me. I just don't want to see either of them, but they are trying SO HARD to spend time with me. The whole thing almost feels like an out-of-body experience. I get so numb around them that I feel like I'm not even there.
I drank too much to control myself. I avoided them to the point it was very obvious. I just HAD to. I feel bad to mistreat two of my friends, but I can't help it. Every time I'm around them I am completely miserable... to the point that I burnt myself with a cigarette.
I need to avoid them to stay sane, but that just seems impossible.
Last night I went to an awesome Lost viewing party with people I don't see often. That was nice and I felt totally under control. Afterwards, I met up with some friends at a bar. Daniele and Ryan D were there. It's kind of amazing how much it upsets me. I just don't want to see either of them, but they are trying SO HARD to spend time with me. The whole thing almost feels like an out-of-body experience. I get so numb around them that I feel like I'm not even there.
I drank too much to control myself. I avoided them to the point it was very obvious. I just HAD to. I feel bad to mistreat two of my friends, but I can't help it. Every time I'm around them I am completely miserable... to the point that I burnt myself with a cigarette.
I need to avoid them to stay sane, but that just seems impossible.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Damn, I am a huge mess.
Last night I cut my arms up like crazy. I realized pretty early on in the night that it was going to happen. I had no desire to stop it- i needed to do it in order to jump start something. I don't even know what. There is a certain mental state I get in that makes me cut myself, it happens so infrequently (I've cut myself maybe 8 times in my entire like, the first time being when I was 18) that I haven't really pin pointed what it is.
The circumstances:
Last night was the first time I had hung out with Ryan D and Daniele at the same time since they started their disgusting tryst. I tried not to start problems, but I really couldn't handle the situation. I had a very short fuse with them all night. Several times I just had to walk away from them to keep myself from yelling.
Even after all their shit about keeping everything "behind closed doors", they kissed in the bar and were very obvious about leaving together. It's insulting to me and Vance that our supposed "best friends" can't even try to be sensitive to our feelings.
And of course it's not only that. My brain's a huge mess lately. I feel alone and unattractive and pointless and gross. Usually drinking heavily is enough to subdue me, but I'm in so deep right now that I needed something extra.
Dave came out and I basically threw myself at him and he rejected me. But that didn't really add to things that had upset me. Sleeping with Dave would have been simply another way to numb my pain.
Well, it's long sleeves for a while I guess.
The circumstances:
Last night was the first time I had hung out with Ryan D and Daniele at the same time since they started their disgusting tryst. I tried not to start problems, but I really couldn't handle the situation. I had a very short fuse with them all night. Several times I just had to walk away from them to keep myself from yelling.
Even after all their shit about keeping everything "behind closed doors", they kissed in the bar and were very obvious about leaving together. It's insulting to me and Vance that our supposed "best friends" can't even try to be sensitive to our feelings.
And of course it's not only that. My brain's a huge mess lately. I feel alone and unattractive and pointless and gross. Usually drinking heavily is enough to subdue me, but I'm in so deep right now that I needed something extra.
Dave came out and I basically threw myself at him and he rejected me. But that didn't really add to things that had upset me. Sleeping with Dave would have been simply another way to numb my pain.
Well, it's long sleeves for a while I guess.
Monday, January 28, 2008
I can't take it anymore.
Having an ex-lover/current best friend fucking my roommate/best friend has started to become more than I can handle.
As is the way with people like me, something that makes me uncomfortable doesn't tend to subside as time goes on. It tends to fester inside my head and make my brain feel like its rotting and deteriorating at an alarming speed.
To think that just over a week ago we were all a happy little band of friends, spending nearly every day together... drinking beers, going shopping for records, dancing the night away at Royal Oak. Now the idea of spending time with either of them (let alone both of them together) makes me feel scared and alone and repulsive.
Ryan has always had this strange hero complex with me... he knows that I'm sick and usually wants to "save me". I sometimes find it annoying, but also have been known to take advantage of it when I need it. I am so tempted to do that now. But I can't.
I want to seem like the victim, it's a bit of an obsession of mine. The problem is, that if I confront them and they stop (though I doubt any caring for me would get past their selfishness) then they become the victims and I become the person who ruined something for them.
I'd rather just suffer silently so I don't have to be at fault for anything.
As is the way with people like me, something that makes me uncomfortable doesn't tend to subside as time goes on. It tends to fester inside my head and make my brain feel like its rotting and deteriorating at an alarming speed.
To think that just over a week ago we were all a happy little band of friends, spending nearly every day together... drinking beers, going shopping for records, dancing the night away at Royal Oak. Now the idea of spending time with either of them (let alone both of them together) makes me feel scared and alone and repulsive.
Ryan has always had this strange hero complex with me... he knows that I'm sick and usually wants to "save me". I sometimes find it annoying, but also have been known to take advantage of it when I need it. I am so tempted to do that now. But I can't.
I want to seem like the victim, it's a bit of an obsession of mine. The problem is, that if I confront them and they stop (though I doubt any caring for me would get past their selfishness) then they become the victims and I become the person who ruined something for them.
I'd rather just suffer silently so I don't have to be at fault for anything.
They were here.
I got home from work last night and I could tell they were here. Daniele's door was closed and there were fancy beer bottles next to the couch. I could hear them whispering. I ran into my room and turned up the tv and chugged one of those fucking fancy beers.
A little back story:
Ryan D and I met last year at work and started dating almost immediately. I fell pretty hard. He dumped me about a month and a half later because he "didn't want a girlfriend". I, of course, took the whole thing very badly and cried and assumed there was something wrong with or repulsive about me that left me rejected once again.
Of course Daniele was one of the people I talked to about this, though she had never met him.
A few months went by, and tempers cooled, and Ryan D and I started hanging out again. I liked hanging out with him because he was sweet to me and very protective.
One day, Daniele met me out at Subway Bar. I was with a bunch of Ryan D's friends. Daniele hooked up with Ryan D's buddy Dan. He dumped her within a few weeks, and directly after, Daniele hooked up with Ryan D's roommate (and good friend of Dan's) Vance. She dumped him nearly directly after.
Soon enough, we were all friends and things were fine.
But now Daniele and Ryan D are dating. She knows about my history with him and how upset I was when he dumped me. Not like she cares, selfish bitch. The only thing she might possibly care about at any given time is herself and how much boys like her, and how much better than her friends she is.
So now I have to deal with the two of them in my apartment, a place I can't escape from. And I've lost two of my best friends.
A little back story:
Ryan D and I met last year at work and started dating almost immediately. I fell pretty hard. He dumped me about a month and a half later because he "didn't want a girlfriend". I, of course, took the whole thing very badly and cried and assumed there was something wrong with or repulsive about me that left me rejected once again.
Of course Daniele was one of the people I talked to about this, though she had never met him.
A few months went by, and tempers cooled, and Ryan D and I started hanging out again. I liked hanging out with him because he was sweet to me and very protective.
One day, Daniele met me out at Subway Bar. I was with a bunch of Ryan D's friends. Daniele hooked up with Ryan D's buddy Dan. He dumped her within a few weeks, and directly after, Daniele hooked up with Ryan D's roommate (and good friend of Dan's) Vance. She dumped him nearly directly after.
Soon enough, we were all friends and things were fine.
But now Daniele and Ryan D are dating. She knows about my history with him and how upset I was when he dumped me. Not like she cares, selfish bitch. The only thing she might possibly care about at any given time is herself and how much boys like her, and how much better than her friends she is.
So now I have to deal with the two of them in my apartment, a place I can't escape from. And I've lost two of my best friends.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)